Akiva Hebrew Day School ’s
First Annual
Friend In A Fix
S
Debra
Darvick
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look for
an anonymous question
submission form on
Debra’s online column
at www.
thejewishnews.com.
DEAR DEBRA,
A new woman joined has joined our mahj
group. She’s a good player, but she has
begun sharing her health concerns. I’m
starting to dread our weekly game because
I don’t want to hear about incisions, drain-
age and more.
— Having a Change of Heart
DEAR HEART,
You and the other players need a plan.
Stat. The next time Miss Two Bams
starts up with the sharing, divert the
conversation. “We’re so glad you’re bet-
ter now.” “Tell me, what are the kids
up to?” “Does anyone have a good kale
salad recipe?”
If she continues with the updates from
General Hospital, you can take her aside
and gently ask that she limit the sharing
of her operations. Tell her your stomach
grows queasy or that her tales remind you
of your own health issues that you prefer
not to focus on.
If she doesn’t take the hint, you might
just have a dead hand and will have to
find a new game if you cannot find a way
to let her weekly medical updates pass
you by.
DEAR DEBRA,
A couple of years ago, I reconnected,
via Facebook, with a high school friend.
Living to regret it. Lunch with the two of
us was OK. But when we went to dinner
as couples, it became clear we have little in
common but a shared past. Economically,
educationally, and in terms of our values
and lifestyles, there is no fit.
Unfortunately, she and her husband
want to hang out with us as “best friends”
celebrating birthdays and holidays together.
We caved and spent last New Year’s Eve
with them (awful), and they already want
to book us for New Year’s Eve this year! I
wouldn’t mind going out for an occasional
lunch, but the couples thing is not happen-
ing.
She’s starting to send emails that are
making me feel guilty for not wanting to be
with them more. They don’t have a lot of
friends, which just makes it worse.
— Best Friends Forever Not
DEAR BFFN,
Given these strong-arm tactics, it’s not
hard to see why your old friend doesn’t
have a lot of people to hang with. While
it is sad to see someone struggle, it is not
up to you to be her social safety net. To
paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one
can make you feel guilty without your
consent.”
Next time she calls to make couples
plans, suggest a lunch for just the two
of you, if and only if you truly want to. If
she brings up New Year’s, say as lightly as
possible, “Oh, that is way too far into the
future to plan!”
If she doesn’t get the hint that couples
dinners are not happening, you can either
continue to stall or tell her frankly that
you are sorry but that is not a possibility.
If the pressuring continues to the point
that no comfortable middle ground is
achievable, you may just have to unfriend
her.
DEAR DEBRA
A good friend offered to do some work for
me that fell within her professional skill set.
She did a beautiful job, but it turned out
to be a much bigger project than either of
us anticipated, and she spent more hours
on it that I ever imagined. While we didn’t
discuss compensation at the outset, I don’t
feel comfortable leaving this as a “friend-
ship freebie.”
Asking her to send a bill at the point
seems a bit awkward, and I’m not sure
how much she would charge. I don’t feel
any resentment vibes, but leaving this as a
favor also feels like I am taking advantage
of a dear friend. How can I compensate my
friend and keep things on an even keel?
— Friend Who Benefited
DEAR BENEFITED,
Ah, the perils of mixing friendship and
business. Sometimes, many times, sim-
plicity is best. Say it straight out, “Friend,
when we started you offered to do this and
we didn’t discuss my paying you for your
time. Given how well this turned out, it
must have taken more time than either
of us anticipated. May I pay you for your
time or tell me which of your favorite stores
would you like to have a gift certificate
from?”
If she’s squeamish about mixing cash
and friendship and opts for a gift certifi-
cate, don’t stint but don’t go overboard.
She did agree to help you as your friend
not as a professional. In the end, you have
the result you wanted, and you are sensi-
tive enough to preserve and honor a beau-
tiful friendship. Priceless.
*
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com.
March 15, 2016
Hosted by:
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
7:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. (VIP 6:30 p.m.- 7:30 p.m)
Jewish Community Center of Metropolitan Detroit
6600 West Maple Road, West Bloomfield
R.S.V.P. before February 26, 2016
for Early Bird Ticket Pricing
$50 Designated Driver
(FOFSBM"ENJTTJPOt7*1
(after 2.26.16 ticket prices are $75/ $100/$300)
Prices are per person and include entry into the
Charcuterie Display, Scottish Fleadh and access
to the Bottle Auction.
First two tasting tickets included with every
General Admission and VIP ticket
Additional tasting tickets are $10.
Each Designated Driver ticket includes access to
the buffet and auction.
VIPs are invited to an exclusive
pre-tasting event at 6:30 p.m.
Be a Sponsor
(PME4QPOTPStPlatinum Sponsor $1,000
R.S.V.P. Alexandra Newman 248.386.1625 x303
or alexandra.newman@akiva.org
For more information and to reserve tickets, visit
www.akiva.org/scotchtasting
Catered & Sponsored by
(This event is for 21 and over)
2061580
February 18 • 2016
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