family focus » dear debra

Digital Dilemmas

S

Debra
Darvick

end your questions
to deardebra@
renmedia.us or
look for an anonymous
question submission form
on Debra’s online column
at www.
thejewishnews.com.

DEAR DEBRA,
For years, I’ve rented a
summer house up north for the kids and
grandkids to come for a week’s visit. We
cover the cost of the rental, most meals and
split with each family their transportation
costs to and from.
After last summer’s experience, I’m ready
to cancel. The grandchildren and their par-
ents spent more time on their cell phones
and iPads than with each other or my wife
and me. It felt like pulling teeth to go to the
beach or biking or any of the things we used
to enjoy together. The parents have trained
their kids to “plug in” at restaurants so they
can have grown-up time. I don’t want to
destroy a family tradition, but I don’t want
another summer where everyone is more
focused on their screens than on each other.
When we see each other during the year, it’s

the same thing. I’m fed up.

— Throwing in the [Beach] Towel

DEAR BEACH TOWEL,
Though indispensable, all these electronic
devices increasingly challenge together-
ness. Articles abound on how children
and teens are losing — and don’t even
develop — the interpersonal skills we take
for granted.
But before you spend next year’s deposit
on a new set of clubs, talk to each of your
kids, in person if you can, and by phone if
not. (No texts or emails!) Don’t come on
with full-bore blame. Instead, mention as
neutrally as possible that the cell phones,
iPads, etc., seemed to get in the way of
activities you used to enjoy together. Stress
how much you enjoyed seeing everyone
and how you look forward to being togeth-
er again.
Lay a foundation of electronic-free times
when you get together during the year.
Have a basket ready for the grandkids to
put their devices in when they visit. Then
get busy with games, activities and going
places. Bring along books and activities
that you can play while waiting for your
meals at restaurants. Do the same at next

summer’s gathering.
It’s futile and unreasonable to ban the
devices, but you can establish times when
they are to be put aside. Make a restaurant
rule — the first person to pull out his or
her cell pays for everyone’s meal. Babysit
the grandkids for a night or two so their
parents can have their grown-up time. Be
consistent and patient.
Might I also suggest that Shabbat offers
the perfect opportunity to disengage?
Judaism gave us the answer to all the
e-distractions before there were iPhones.
Try going 24/6 instead of 24/7. The goal
here is to gather lovingly. Hopefully you
can adjust course and next summer’s visit
will be smooth sailing.

DEAR DEBRA,
My sister sends me dozens of texts a day,
all of them of pending disasters or things
ripped from the Enquirer. Here’s a sampling
of today’s texts: 1. Frozen dead revived by
cures! 2. New technology promises we can
translate our pets’ language into English! 3.
Nostradamus’ prophecies — five more to be
fulfilled!
These texts are stupid, distracting and
sometimes, like the one of nuclear missiles
falling on NYC, are very frightening. I have
asked her to stop but she won’t. Other than
blocking her entirely, what can I do?

DEAR TEXT ME NOT,
My first thought is to ask how else you
and your sister relate. If you live in the
same town, do you get together on a
regular basis? Do you catch up by phone
or email?
Perhaps these texts are her way of saying
she misses you. Before you go the extreme
route of blocking her, make time to go out
to lunch. Call her a couple of times a week
and see if giving her attention in these
ways reduces her texting. If not, block her
texts for a couple of weeks and see what
happens.
My other thoughts on this subject veer
toward your sister’s mental health. How
else does she spend her time? Does she
have a job? A family to raise? What else
is filling her life in a positive way? Has
something changed that might be affect-
ing her negatively?
These are hard questions with pos-
sibly difficult answers. Her texts might
not be stupid, distracting or terrifying
but cries for help.
Please consider contacting NAMI, the
National Alliance on Mental Health for
some guidance at (800) 950-NAMI or
info@nami.org.

*

Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com.

— Text Me Not

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January 21 • 2016

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