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Not A Mentsh?

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Debra
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end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submis-
sion form on Debra's
online column at
www.thejewishnews.
com.

DEAR DEBRA,
There is a man who is well regarded
in our community. He makes gener-
ous donations to various local causes.
On the surface, one would think him a
mentsh. I've had dealings with him, and
he's totally dishonest. When I see him at
High Holidays, it makes my blood boil
knowing how highly he is regarded and
how dishonest he really is. My kishkes
(insides) are still roiling when I think
of another High Holiday spoiled by the
sight of this man.

—

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30 October 15 •2015

I

Roiling Kishkes

DEAR ROILING,
Jewish sages teach us that the first ques-
tion one is asked in the world to come
is not "Were you kind?" "Were you
good to your family?" but "Were you
honest in your business dealings?"
That's the importance Jewish ethics
places on how we conduct our business.
Although this man is known for his
philanthropy and not his underhanded
dealings, he knows who and what he
is. He has to see himself in the mirror
every day of his life. In some corner of
his consciousness that cannot feel good.
Of more concern is that you are
allowing your outrage to ruin your own
spiritual experience. The High Holidays
are a gift that each of us is given to
review our behavior, to atone to those
whom we have wronged, to be grate-
ful for the past year's blessings and to
pray for one more year to do so again. I
know this man drives you nuts. But you
need to focus on you and let the Divine
Judge mete out the proper sentence
to Mr. Dishonest. Even if he's a goniff
(thief), don't let him steal your peace of
mind, your well-being and time better
spent with the good and upright friends
and loved ones who matter.

DEAR DEBRA,
My husband and I have been trying to
conceive for over a year. Our friends are
all in various phases of creating their
families. It is getting difficult to attend
baby showers, britot and baby namings
and share the joy when we are strug-

gling so. It also doesn't help when well-
meaning (but unthinking) people turn
to us and say things like, "So, when are
you two going to get going?" We have
not talked to many of our friends about
this, but each month it grows harder to
be there for our friends when they have
what we so dearly want as well.

—

Still Trying

DEAR STILL TRYING,
My heart goes out to you and your
husband. Although I know it is of little
help, you are not alone in this. In fact,
Hasidah, an organization dedicated to
helping couples struggling with infertil-
ity, writes on their website (hasidah.
org), "for the Jewish community, the
rates of fertility impairment are likely
closer to 1 in 6 [instead of the 1 in 8
figure generally used]."
There is an unfortunate curtain of
silence that settles around couples
struggling to conceive. Not only can
it distance friends from one another
but well-meaning strangers and others
unintentionally cause additional heart-
ache. I'm not saying you should tell the
world, but you might want to share with
your closest friends and family if for no
other reason than they will know what
is truly going on in your life. For all you
know, the new parent friends might
have struggled to conceive as well. They
among all others would meet you with
knowing compassion.
But none of this addresses your
original question about attending baby
events. For the first time in three years,
I am truly at a loss.
Part of me wants to say, "Steer clear
of anything that is going to drive you to
greater grief' Another part of me wants
to say, "Don't isolate yourself! Celebrate
with your friends. Welcome this new
little spirit. Your day will come'
If you cannot imagine going to all
the simchahs you're invited to, consider
attending those of your closest friends.
Or visit new mom and baby at a quieter
time, which might be less of a drain on
your inner resources.
Most of all, I send you and your
husband compassion for what you are
facing and my deepest hopes for your
hopes to be realized. *

Readers? What would you advise my let-
ter writer? Use the online form or write
to deardebra@renmedia.us. I will share
answers in a future column.

Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,

books and more at debradarvickcom.