COMMUNITY

MAVEN

Wir".74 Dear Debra

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end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous question submission form
on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews.com .

Debra Darvick

Dear Debra,

When my wonderful husband-to-be
and I met at the home of mutual friends,
he was wearing his wedding ring. A
widower of only six months, he was
still mourning his wife of 37 years and
not looking to date. But life and love
intervened, and we will soon be married.
We are both so happy, and our children
are happy for us.
The problem is that he has never
removed his wedding ring. When I
brought it up while we were dating, he
said that he just wasn't yet ready. This
caused some raised eyebrows when
people wrongly assumed I was dating
a married man. Before we went ring
shopping for our wedding, he informed
me that he plans to wear both rings! He
agreed to remove it on our wedding day
but plans on putting it back on after the
honeymoon. This isn't a deal breaker,
but the whole thing is giving me pause.

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Dear Double Ring,
You say this isn't a deal breaker. His
and your children are happy for you.
His heart was open to life and love
intervening at a time when he was still
bereft. By your own admission you are
both "so happy:'
If this is the only issue that gives you
pause, woman, take yourself off pause
and go forward. That his children have
embraced you coming into their lives
when they were likely still grieving
says much about how their mother
raised them. Consider this too — dur-
ing 37 years of marriage, both spouses
are shaped by one another. That your
man is a mentsh means part of his
wonderfulness might well be attrib-
uted to his first wife.
When you place the wedding ring
on your beloved's finger, offer up a
prayer of gratitude to the woman
whose passing made it possible for
you to find one another, and tell her
you will love him with everything
you have. Judaism chooses life every
time so, Ithaim. And maze! tov. Who
knows? By the time you return from
your honeymoon, he might well have
adjusted to wearing one ring — the
one you gave him under the chuppah.

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Double Ring Ceremony

are no longer in sync. He now attends a
synagogue in which I feel sidelined and
whose service leaves me utterly unin-
spired. I go on Shabbos now and then to
keep the peace, but just couldn't bear it
for the High Holidays.
Because we do not drive on Shabbos
or holidays, I have only two options. One
shul within walking distance is located
on roads that I do not feel safe walk-
ing. The other congregation that I can
walk to holds High Holiday services in a
house of worship of another faith. There
were no signs or trappings of another re-
ligion and the space felt very welcoming
and Jewish. I loved the services there last
year, but my husband was very upset I
was praying in a place not consecrated
as a synagogue. He asked me not to
attend there this year. I honored his
request and ended up staying at home
reading and praying on my own. No
matter how I try to solve this, every
answer comes with a cost.

RED THREAD

Another Rosh Hashanah has come and
gone leaving me spiritually unfulfilled
and at a loss. My husband and I are
both Jewish and come from similar
backgrounds and practice. Over the
course of our marriage, he has become
more observant to the point that we

Shul less on the High Holidays

-

Dear Shul-less,
I think this issue ofJewish"nnixed
marriages" is one of the unacknowl-
edged agonies of many couples such
as yourselves. You are going to have
to decide which is more important to
you — acquiescing to your husband's
request or remaining cut off from your
neshamah's (soul's) spiritual needs
during the High Holidays.
Choose a quiet moment to discuss
the reality that your spiritual life and
Jewish connection is every bit as im-
portant as his. Every person's spiritual
journey is unique; no one can walk
another's path to a relationship with
God. You cannot walk his; he cannot
walk yours. Remind your husband
that attending shul with him now and
then is your way of meeting him half-
way. His aversion to your worshipping
in a space that has been transformed
for Jewish practice will just have to be
his struggle to resolve.
I don't have a pipeline to the Divine,
but I would hope that wherever and
whenever Jews come together to
worship, their prayers will be heard
and God's comfort will be given.

A note to my readers: While the taste
of apples and honey is still fresh in our
minds, I would like to wish all my readers
a Shona Tovah. May the New Year bring
blessings and may you be sealed in the
Book of Life for the coming year.

Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .

