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Family Matters

What's YOUR

Element?

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s a mental health profes-
For others, it is through hatred, vio-
sional, I hear people's sto-
lence or revenge. People who seek
ries; one recently gave me a
revenge believe they do not matter,
new perspective on this time of year.
and that retribution will give them
A woman spoke to me about her
power. For some people, the feeling
family's celebration of the High
of not mattering is too painful to
Holidays when she was growing up.
bear and is numbed by isolation from
She spoke of these times with sad-
others or through an addiction.
ness and resentment. Her memories
So how do we help the people
of the holiday season were of her
we love feel like they matter? This
mother's intense preparation to
requires us to put ourselves in the
create beautiful centerpieces and
shoes of another, to wonder how they
abundant food for the holiday meals.
might be experiencing things and to
Effort was made to ensure that every- accept their feelings as true.
one had the perfect outfit, and that
As parents, this would sound like,
all rituals were executed perfectly.
"I know you really want that cookie,
As she spoke, tears
but it is too close to din-
flowed from her eyes, and
nertime!" This acknowl-
she said that during these
edges the child's feeling,
times, she felt like she
while still setting limits. By
didn't matter. This was
responding to the request
powerful to me because
with "Don't you know it's
I don't imagine this was
almost dinnertime?" dis-
her mother's intention. I
misses the child's feelings.
believe that her mother's
It is not only a change of
intention was to provide a
language but, more impor-
wonderful holiday experi-
tantly, a change of attitude
ence; but that didn't come
from criticism to accep-
Ell en
across to her daughter.
tance.
Yashi nsky
Many of the stories I
As spouses, you might
Chu to
hear involve feelings of
try, "Seems like you had
not mattering: adults who
an awful day," rather than
feel they didn't matter as children,
expressing negativity or trying to fix
spouses who feel they don't matter
your spouse's problem. For an older
in their marriages and older adults
adult, it's about listening to a familiar
who feel they no longer matter in the
story and looking for the value of the
world.
story for that person. It matters to
Mattering is a perception. The
them, and that's what can matter to
feeling of mattering stems from a
you.
The feeling of mattering fills us up.
belief that children develop through
everyday interactions with their
It is better than a cookie. Mattering
parents during the first few years of
reduces our discouragement and
life. It is the child's perceptions that
gives us the energy to keep trying
determine the belief, not the parents'
when things are difficult. We learn
intentions.
that we matter as much through
When we believe that we don't
failure as through success when
matter, we act as if it were true. Our
we know that people think we are
behaviors serve either to confirm
important.
that belief or to refute it. For exam-
As we are in the Days of Awe
ple, the woman mentioned above
between Rosh Hashanah and Yom
has had a series of hurtful relation-
Kippur, let us practice teshuvah, tef-
ships and, in each one, she has felt as ilah and tzedakah through helping
though she didn't matter. As an adult, ourselves and the people in our lives
she feels powerless and hopeless, just to matter.
Shanah Tovah. G'mar Chatimah
as the little girl whose mother was
too busy to acknowledge her.
Tovah. May you be written and
Others who felt as though they
inscribed for a healthy, sweet year.
didn't matter as a child behave in
Ellen Yashinsky Chute, LMSW, ACSW,
ways so as to prove that they do mat-
is senior director of Behavioral Health
ter. For some, it is by working hard
Services at Jewish Family Service.
or giving to the world in some way.

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