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Dear Debra
I
Debra Darvick
Specializing in Cosmetic Surgery &
Aesthetic & Reconstructive Breast Surgery
DANIEL SHERBERT, M.D. FAGS
Certified by The American Board of Surgery, The American Board of
Plastic Surgery & Fellowship Trained in Aesthetic & Reconstructive
Breast Surgery
(248) 865-6400
5801 W. Maple • Suite 177 • West Bloomfield
recently learned that some readers sent their troubles to
Dear Debra and received no reply. The letters were never
received. So please, if your heart is still heavy, lighten it
by resending your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
and/or AuthorDebraDarvick@gmail.com . They will appear
in upcoming issues.
Dear Debra,
Our daughter is dating a wonderful
young man; marriage is likely. Unfortu-
nately, he's not Jewish. My daughter is a
day school graduate who keeps kosher
and says she wants a Jewish home and
family. When I brought up the idea of
her boyfriend converting before they
marry, she said she would never ask
such a thing of him since she could
never give up her religion.
Her refusal makes no sense to me
because: 1) the boyfriend wasn't raised
with any particular religion; 2) he at-
tended a Jewish day school K -12 (its
academic program was stronger than
the public school's program where he
lived). He is well versed in Jewish life and
rituals, and participates with our family
easily and comfortably; 3) my daughter
says she wants a Jewish home and fam-
ily, so why not a Jewish spouse?
Boyfriend asked me if my sister (who
is now Orthodox) would attend their
wedding if he is "a goy." His phrase, not
mine; but his question tells me that he
understands certain ramifications of
a mixed-faith ceremony. I was non-
committal, but now I wish I'd asked
him straight out how he felt about
converting. I want to revisit the subject
with him, but I'm afraid I will lose my
daughter if I do.
This is breaking my heart. Our rabbi
would not be able to perform the wed-
ding. The whole thing makes no sense
to me.
—
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Mom in a Quandary
Dear Mom,
I understand the confusion. The mes-
sages your daughter is giving you
are as mixed as a Tom Collins. (My
20-something readers, Google it.) No
wonder you're feeling shaken and
stirred.
I've heard the I-won't-lose-my-
child-over-this comment before. Why
do parents go straight to the atomic
assumption that their child will
disown them if they breathe the "C"
word? Would (presumably) rational
adult children sever this most primal
relationship, discounting decades
of love and guidance, because the
parent wants to invite the non-Jewish
girl/boyfriend to consider becoming
a Jew? It's not like you're pushing Boy-
friend into the mikvah, circumcision
kit in hand. All you want to have is a
respectful and exploratory conversa-
tion, right?
Ultimately, this is your daughter's
life to live; her choice to make; her
remorse, if any, to own. You had your
turn, and now it's hers. Not what you
want to hear, but it's the truth.
Now here's where Dear Debra
diverges from the dominant de-
mographic. I believe, as her parent,
you have a right to express to your
daughter, gently and lovingly, your
confusion over the disconnect be-
tween her stated desire for a Jewish
home, Jewish family et al, and her
refusal to ask Boyfriend to join her as
a full-fledged Jew in all the beauty
she knows Jewish life offers. Especially
because he has no religious tradition
of his own and knows more than your
average Jonah about Jewish learning
and living.
But if conversion's not going to be
happening, you'll need to do some
serious thinking. What can you accept
and what can't you? A Jewish cer-
emony officiated by a Jewish clergy
other than your rabbi? A civil cer-
emony with some Jewish trappings?
Or none?
For all I said about this being your
daughter's life to live, I also believe
parents'values must be respected.
Why should adult children demand
their parents throw aside the values
they have lived by because they, the
adult children, are making a different
choice? This is what it means to have
values. This is also what it means to be
a contemporary Jew in this increas-
ingly diverse world of ours. Right
answers are hard to come by; and
the path to any answer is likely to be
paved with challenging, and some-
times painful, discussions.
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com.
This month, we're inviting readers to
weigh in on the Jewish News' Facebook
page. Twenty-something readers, would
you sever ties with your parents for
wanting to discuss conversion? If you're
like the daughter above — wanting
Jewish family life yet against asking your
beloved to convert — why?
Fifty-something readers, is this an all-
or-nothing issue? What accommodations
allowed you to be there for your child, yet
maintain your own Jewish values?