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JN

ost of us have had this hap-
pen: You are late for an
appointment and the car
ahead is going 20 miles per hour in a
40 mph zone. With no way to pass, you
resign yourself to this unyielding situ-
ation. You consider options to reduce
the intensifying feeling of helplessness.
Trying to maintain as much control as
possible, you accelerate to pass, weave
dangerously or honk incessantly. This
struggle for control increases the like-
lihood that you will rerun this uncom-
fortable feeling of lost control when
similar situations occur in the future.
Your level of control dictates how
much power you have or
want. The less power you
feel, the more you compro-
mise your potential to have
control. In a given situation,
you need to ask yourself:
How much power am I will-
ing to yield? How much
control must I hold on to
in order to maintain self-
confidence?
In families, control usually
is directed outward, dictat-
ing how members get along
and respond to one another's
needs. For example, a married couple
may regularly express love and caring
to each other, but may also exert con-
trol as a way to wield power.
The challenge for control may begin
with an argument about something
mundane. Consider this scenario: The
wife hands her husband a "honey do"
list just as he heads out to play golf. He
responds by leaving the note on the
table and leaving. They each are estab-
lishing a precedent that will determine
who has control in the marriage.
Though this dispute may seem
insignificant at the time, they both
have created an adversarial environ-
ment potentially leading to anger, pun-
ishment or passive aggression.
The spouses must learn to discuss
and resolve such minor issues in order
to know how to mediate when the
major issues, like money or parenting,
arise. Doing so allows each to provide
necessary accommodations to the
other.
In a different way, a student inter-
nalizes her or his struggle for control.
A common conundrum is: Do I finish

that project with the nearing due date
or go over to a friend's house to watch
a movie?
What do parents do to teach their
child better ways to control life?
The former option obviously denies
immediate enjoyment but encourages
responsibility. The latter, on the other
hand, may require the student's parent
to stay awake into the wee morning
hours to help complete the overdue
project. In the short run, the project
gets done and a good grade aver-
age is sustained. This plan, however,
provides the child with a false sense
of control while increasing the likeli-
hood of this scenario being
repeated. Who ultimately is
in control here?
What do you do when
you feel you are losing con-
trol? You can acquiesce to
another's demand for con-
trol or hold on to your own
need to control. Giving in
can reduce conflict; but like
the student above, it sets
the stage for repetition.
There are always options
to deal with out-of-control
situations: Change your
thought processes to reduce feeling
powerless by accepting the realities of
the situation. Identify any aspects that
can be controlled, even partially. If, as
in the slow driver example, you can
accept that the car won't suddenly dis-
appear. It's also quite probable that the
driver doesn't know or care that you
are delayed. Redirect yourself toward
a more purposeful control. Look for
another route, focus on what's on the
radio, or call someone to inform them
that you will be late or just to vent.
Holding firm to a reasonable posi-
tion need not force others to reject
their own positions. Rather, identify
an outcome that offers long-term
benefit over some tentative short-term
victory. Moreover, family members or
co-workers must learn that responsi-
bilities as well as consequences come
along with control.

❑

Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social

worker at Counseling Associates Inc. in

West Bloomfield, where he counsels chil-

dren, teens and adults experiencing family

or personal psychological problems.

