metro WINNING YOUR HIGH-CONFLICT DIVORCE NINA Strategies for Moms and Dads Local expert offers advice on navigating high-conflict divorce. Ronelle Grier Contributing Writer D ivorce is stressful and complicated, but a new book by attorney and social worker Shelly Loomus of Farmington Hills can help ease the way for those who find themselves confused and overwhelmed by the process — espe- cially if they are involved in a high-conflict divorce that can continue to be trouble- some long after the divorce is final. Winning Your High-Conflict Divorce: Strategies for Moms and Dads (2015, Manage Your Conflict LLC) is written in straightforward language rather than com- plex legalese, is filled with anecdotal exam- ples from many people Loomus has helped in her family law practice, and is organized into chapters that make it quick and easy to find information on specific topics. The book is a step-by-step practical guide for anyone going through divorce, but is especially geared toward those unfortunate situations where divorce turns exceptionally nasty and vicious. These cases often occur when one or both parties have some kind of personality disorder that includes irrational behavior and a need to continue fighting. This usu- ally makes the divorce lengthier and more vicious than necessary and often results in continuous trips to the courtroom years later. The effects on the spouse trying to cooperate — and the children, who are often used as pawns — can be devastating. Loomus, who is herself divorced, esti- mates that 25 percent of all divorces fall into the high-conflict category. "They [high-conflict divorces] are per- petual; they don't end:' said Loomus, who also teaches family law at Henry Ford Shelly Loomus College. "I felt I had a lot to offer people who can't get their solutions through the courtroom or through therapy" Loomus said the court system is designed to deal with individuals' legal rights, and a lot of the conflict in these divorces occurs outside the courtroom. Her book provides strategies that have been used successfully in high-conflict divorces. "While many divorce books offer advice on how to manage conflict, they are based on the assumption that your adversary is a rational person who wants to end the struggle. In a high-conflict divorce, things are different. When one person lives for the fight, even willing to sacrifice your children to win, you must engage Loomus said. The book covers issues ranging from fil- SEpso N ing the initial complaint to concerns that arise after the judgment is final, such as disagreements over custody arrangements. Loomus also includes a section on per- sonality-disordered individuals: how they operate, manipulate and litigate in order to maintain their often-warped perception of reality. Lies, personal attacks, exploit- ing flexible parenting schedules, calling the police or other authorities with false complaints about alleged abuse and bad- mouthing the other spouse in front of the children are common tactics used by those with personality disorders. The book provides detailed advice on how to deal with an unreasonable ex- or soon-to-be ex-spouse in and out of the courtroom. She also warns clients about sending texts and emails that may come back to harm them. "Not every interaction has to be responded to:' she said. "Be selective. Look for the real purpose behind the email, text or phone call. Sometimes they're just trying to get you to engage:' Loomus also encourages each client to manage his or her "courtroom appearance which means remaining businesslike and refraining from angry outbursts in front of the judge, and to develop a good filing sys- tem for court documents, emails and bills for shared expenses. Hurting the children to get back at the other parent is common in a high-conflict divorce. This can range from forbidding a child to attend dance classes or sleepovers or allowing a child to stay out excessively late, to calling Child Protective Services to investigate the other home for no other rea- son than to cause trouble for the ex-spouse. For someone with a personality disorder, the well-being of the children is secondary 0 www.sali to the need to remain in control, which makes the healthier parent's job harder. Loomus urges parents to develop their own relationships with their children's teachers, coaches and doctors, and to provide kids with fun experiences such as sleepovers and family outings to offset time spent doing homework and chores. She promotes open communication, where children are encouraged to talk about their feelings without being made to feel guilty for loving the other parent. "The most important thing is to always be your children's safe harbor; she said. ❑ Book Launch Shelly Loomus will be speaking and signing copies of her book, Winning Your High Conflict Divorce, at 7 p.m. Tuesday, June 23, at Adat Shalom Synagogue in Farmington Hills. For more information, visit www. manageyourconflict.com . Loomus will also speak on "Resolving Family Conflict" at 7 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 10, at the Farmington Community Library on 12 Mile, Farmington Hills. To register, call (248) 553-0300 or visit www.farmlib.org . Her book is available online at Amazon or Barnes & Noble or at the Book Beat in Oak Park or the Self-Esteem Shop in Royal Oak. - tiquesmar com Sm Jun 2 Antiques Market ANTI UES MARKE 9AM-4P $6 • FRE PAR S E oR RAI PET FRIE AD EAT VER WASHTENAW FARM COUNCIL GROUNDS, 5055 Ann Arbor-Saline Rd., Ann arbor, MI 48103 • Show Info or to become an exhibitor: 937-875-0808 or salinemarket@gmail.com 16 June 18 • 2015 2,1550