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What's YOUR

Is Your Child
LAZY?

C

onsider this scenario. The
end of the school year
arrives and your child's
grades aren't as good as you think
they should be. You might think to
yourself, "If only she would apply
herself!" or "I know he
is smart, but he is just so
LAZY when it comes to
schoolwork!"
It's a common reaction,
and it's understandable.
We all want to see our
children reach their high-
est potential, and it can be
frustrating to see them fall
short of our expectations.
But there is a flaw with this
kind of thinking. It ends
the discussion, and it often
prevents us from seeing what's really
going on with our kids.
There's a long-held conventional
wisdom about what to do with lazi-
ness: Punish the child until they learn
"the value of hard work."
Unfortunately, laziness in children
is much less common than people
realize and, in small children, it sim-
ply doesn't exist.
As children develop, grow and
learn, they constantly take in new
information from the world around
them. They observe what adults
around them do and what those
adults value. Young children absorb
the values of the family through these
observations and try to understand
how they fit. They do this by testing
limits and trying to please adults.
By the time they reach the age of
5 or 6, children want to please the
adults in their lives. Most quickly
learn that doing well in school will
bring praise, which they will strive
to earn. However, our school systems
are set up to reward a very particular
type of behavior, and not every child
can learn in the same way.
If a child has difficulty doing well
at school due to a learning disability
like dyslexia, a medical condition like
attention deficit disorder or an emo-
tional impairment such as anxiety,
they do not get the praise they des-

perately crave. This creates a problem
for their developing self-esteem.
At this point, the child will either
begin to show signs of depression and
irritability as they face the frustra-
tion of not being able to do what they
feel is important, or they
start to feel school is less
and less important. In this
second scenario, they get
labeled "lazy."
School is hard for them,
and they lack the self-
awareness required to
express that their behavior
is really a way to preserve
their self-esteem. No

amount of punishment will
change this. In fact, giving
them the word "lazy" to
use as an excuse for not doing some-
thing difficult only makes the prob-
lem worse.
So, what should we do as parents
and educators? We need to identify
what is really going on with our
children. We need to stop, listen and
find out if they are having difficulty
in school or other areas, and why.
Children do not have the vocabulary
to tell us if they have a learning diffi-
culty, but they will tell us by resisting
and being "lazy:' It is up to us to find
the cause.
Fortunately, there are resources
available to help us. Psycho-
educational testing can help identify
any cognitive, learning or emotional
challenges a child may face and pro-
vide recommendations for treatment.
As a psychologist who provides psy-
cho-educational testing, I tell all my
clients that the end goal of testing is
to understand the child and find ways
to make learning easier for them.
Every child can learn, but not every
child learns the same way.
When we take the time to recog-
nize what our kids are trying to tell us
by being "lazy:' we can see that there's
a lot more we can do to actually help
them succeed. ❑

Melissa Farrell is the staff psychologist at

Jewish Family Service.

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