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Hi/len
Treasure
MAVEN
Discovered in Oakland County
Wr 1 74 Dear Debra
S
Elegant estate jewelry and
beautiful one-of-a-kind pieces can
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end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous question submission form
on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews.com .
Debra Darvick
Dear Debra,
I have a very good friend who recently
had to give up driving. I offered to pick
her up and take her to our weekly maj
game as well as any other events we
attend together.
All was well until she began refus-
ing to wear a seat belt. She says it feels
"too constricting," and now whenever
she rides with me she will not honor
my request to "buckle up."
What if we are in an accident and
she is harmed? What if my insurance
goes up? I am a good driver but ac-
cidents happen. I could never forgive
myself if she were hurt in an accident
with me at the wheel. What can I do?
—
Strapped for an Answer
Dear Strapped,
Too bad your friend has turned your
kindness into a conflict. You don't
need the answer to any of your
"what ifs?" above. Your friend is re-
fusing to follow a basic rule of safety
and putting the onus on you. You're
going to have to do a bit of tough
love here.
Before you next chauffeur her,
call your friend and lay it out plain
and simple — the safety rule in your
car is that all passengers must be
belted. If she protests, tell her that
you are sorry she feels that way, but
that is your rule. You can offer her
the number of a car service and tell
her you look forward to seeing her
just the same. Should she reconsider
and agree to wear a seat belt, tell
her you would be happy to drive her
again.
Another thought occurs to me:
Has your friend ever played such a
power trip game before? If not, she
might be trying to assert her inde-
pendence because her own wings
were clipped. Doesn't mean she
gets to ride belt-free, but it might
make for a conversation opener. Has
anything changed physically with
her? Abdominal tenderness that has
led to her not wanting the safety
belt? If this is the case, urge her to
make an appointment with her doc-
tor. But don't offer to take her unless
she's willing to buckle up.
Dear Debra,
My friend and I have known each
other since second grade. We have
had our ups and downs but over
the past couple of years, the way she
conducts her life is really beginning to
annoy me.
Whenever she has a problem, she
comes to me, talks for a long time,
asks for my advice but then never
follows it! Two months later the whole
thing repeats itself again. She does
the same things over and over, gets
just as upset each time but never
changes her behavior. lam so frus-
trated! I don't want to end the friend-
ship, but it's really draining me. How
can I help her see how self-defeating
these behaviors are?
—
Estate Buyers
at David Wachler & Sons
Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend,
Have you ever tried to herd cats?
Or to take a lyric from The Sound of
Music, catch a cloud or hold a moon-
beam in your hand? You are trying
to do the impossible: Live your
friend's life for her.
She has set up a very sweet situa-
tion — she gets herself into a pickle
and dumps it on you. You make nice
and ah ah baby, and then she feels
relieved and goes right back to her
old ways.
No wonder you're feeling frus-
trated. And maybe a bit used?
Friendships are supposed to make
both parties feel good, energized,
connected, nurtured and nurtur-
ing. Of course, there are times
when friends need us to carry them
through. But what you describe is
a one-way street going nowhere
satisfying. No wonder you feel
drained. Drained is for bathtubs; not
friendships!
If ending the friendship feels too
drastic, restructure the terms. Next
time Needy Friend calls to dump,
listen for a moment and reply,"I'm
sorry you're in this situation again.
I'm sure you'll find a way out" Then
change the subject. Or head the
poor-me talk off at the pass by
reminding her that you've had this
convo before, and no matter what
advice you offer, she doesn't follow
it. Again, change the subject.
Best thing you can do is take care
of yourself. Maybe Needy Friend
will see a competent young woman
(that would be you) taking care of
herself and start following your ex-
ample. I said maybe, didn't I?
R&R Jewelers-
Now located at
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Birmingham MI 48009
248-540- 4622
7305
100 South Old Woodward Ave., Birmingham, MI
248.540.4622
Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday 10am-5:30pm Thursday, 10am-7:30pm
Saturday, I Oam-5pm Sunday and Monday, Closed
1968080
Orchard Lake Road • West Bloomfield • 248-757-2498
Located in the Robin's Nest Shopping Center www.casadedecor.net
Hours: Tuesday - Saturday 11
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Linda 248-761-7982
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Li El in •
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .
RED THREAD I May 2015 47