HAPPY
PASS-
OVER!

frontlines

A Passover
History Lesson

cd.

T

o all of our loyal Jewish News
of tons of limestone blocks
readers, I wish you and your
can be a killer on your back.
family a joyous Passover.
The only saving grace for our
Passover, of course, celebrates our
people was that the pyramids were built in
Exodus out of Egypt in 1446 B.C. (Before
Egypt, which had an abundance of Cairo-
Cars), which is why it took 40 years to get
practors.
to the Promised Land. And what a shlep it
Unfortunately, Moses didn't learn about
was for Moses and our people.
the process of filing personal injury cases
Thankfully, all that walk-
on behalf of the Israelites until
ing through the desert was
20 years into the desert crossing
made significantly easier by
when he came across a billboard
a very generous sponsor-
for the Shemuel Bernstein Law
Firm.
ship from the fine folks at
DSW — Designer Sandal
Despite no earthly legal
Warehouse — who supplied
recourse, God certainly rendered
the footwear for the entire
a stiff sentence on Pharaoh with
journey. All DSW asked for
those incredible plagues. I'm
in return was that their logo
just thankful God was able to
be prominently featured on
levy his power in that way back
Alan
Moses' staff. I actually made
then because today there is no
Muskovitz
that up; I don't have a team
way the use of frogs and locusts
Jewish News
of "staff" writers.
would go unnoticed by PETA.
Columnist
According to my research
The darkness plague was a
(Wikipedia) into Passover,
tough one, too. That plague
we Jews were enslaved by the Pharaoh
really put folks in a bind, except for the
for 430 years; much of that time spent
wealthier Egyptians who had generators.
building the great pyramids. By the way,
Believe it or not, despite the darkness that
don't believe anyone who tells you that we
came over Egypt, that plague still comes
built the pyramids because we were the
in second to Detroit's streetlight outage
problem.
low bidder; we were slaves and don't ever
forget it.
All this being said, it is in this student
Building the pyramids, of course, was
of history's humble opinion that the sad-
incredibly taxing work. Moving millions
dest story to come out of our Exodus is

JN CONTENTS

that Moses wasn't allowed to enter the
Promised Land because of some long-
standing issues God had with him. Ladies
and gentlemen, can you imagine walking
for 40 years under the impression that
you are going to be a player in a huge land
deal, only to see it all fall apart at the last
moment? I don't think that has ever hap-
pened to Dan Gilbert; how could it pos-
sibly have happened to Moses? Believe me,
I am not questioning God's authority, but
if I had been Moses I would have gotten
that "Promised Land" deal in writing. I'm
just sayin:
So there you have it, a brief albeit infor-
mative look at the history of Passover.
Please feel free during your seders to
debate some of the issues I've raised. Oh,
and by the way, if space had allowed, I
would have delved into an 11th little-
known and rarely discussed additional
plague: the plague of hosting too many
relatives at your house every Passover.
Happy Passover and please ... eat respon-
sibly.

❑

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voiceover/acting

talent, speaker, emcee and a regular guest

host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM

760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com.

JEWISHNEWS com

April 2-8, 2015 I 13-19 Nisan 5775 I Vol. CXLVII, No.9

Around Town
20
Arts & Life
59
44
Business
Calendar
26
Dining In
64
Editor's Picks
61
Israel .. 5, 43, 48, 52, 54
Jewish®edu
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Jews in Digital Age ...76
Letters
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Lifecycles
70
Marketplace
72
Metro
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NextGen
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Obituaries
Out To Eat
Passover
Points of View
Sports
Synagogue List
Teen2Teen
Torah Portion
World

77
67
30
52
69
56
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43

Columnists
Arthur Horwitz
Danny Raskin
Robert Sklar

52
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Shabbat & Holiday Lights

Shabbat, Pesach 1: Friday, April 3, 7:42 p.m.
Pesach 2: Saturday, April 4, 8:45 p.m.
Holiday Ends: Sunday, April 5, 8:46 p.m.

IST.1975

Pesach 7: Thursday, April 9, 7:49 p.m.
Pesach 8: Friday, April 10, 7:50 p.m.
Shabbat, Pesach End: Saturday, April 11, 8:54 p.m.

Times are from Yeshiva Beth Yehudah calendar.

Cover art by Israeli-American artist Roni Pinto of

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