COMMUNITY
MAVEN
Nr"174 Dear Debra
S
end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous question submission form
on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews.com .
Debra Darvick
Dear Debra,
On more than one oc-
casion, when we men-
tion where our adopted
infant daughter was
born, (we are now an
interracial family; ours
was an international
adoption) we are asked,
"But how will she un-
derstand you? You are
going to have to teach
her English." I kid you not. How do
I respond without calling these
people out as idiots?
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— No Language Barrier
Dear No Language,
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41.4o,
• "Why do you ask?"
• "Isn't it marvelous that every
baby is wired to speak whatever
language is spoken to her?"
• "The first language a child
learns is the language of love.
Our daughter has picked that
up just fine, so I don't think
English will be any problem."
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46 April 2015 I
RD THREIID
Oh, go ahead. Call them out as
idiots. Dan Akroyd's comment to
Jane Curtin from their SNL Week-
end Update skit comes to mind.
Just kidding. I'll take your word for
it that there are actually people
who think like this. Hopefully, not
too many. Here are a few ways to
respond. All in English.
My wife died last year, leaving me
to raise our son and daughter (now
7 and 10). I converted to Judaism
before we were married. We enjoyed
celebrating Jewish holidays and
Shabbat with our friends from tem-
ple. Our children attend religious
school, and we were active in temple
life. None of that has changed and,
if anything, our temple connections
have given us all stability during this
difficult time.
In the months following my wife's
death, my in-laws have begun to
talk about our son's and daughter's
Jewish identities, even suggesting
that I look into day school and Jew-
ish summer camp. They were always
welcoming to me, and I never got
the feeling that they thought I was
"less than" because of my conver-
sion. We are all devastated by our
loss but are having
more better days as time
passes. My in-laws are
not helping by doubt-
ing my commitment to
Judaism and to raising
my children in a Jewish
home. What can I do?
— Grieving but Keeping
Going
Dear Keeping Going,
I am so sorry for your loss. It
sounds like you are coping admi-
rably under devastating circum-
stances. To whatever extent your
in-laws were a part of your family's
Jewish life and practice, continue
the traditions you and your wife
established. Maybe create a new
long-distance ritual with their
grandparents if frequent visits are
not part of your reality.
Even if you were born a Jew,
it's conceivable that your in-laws
would still weigh in on your child-
rearing, just in another way. Your
children are their only physical link
to their deceased daughter. This
does not give them permission to
tell you how to raise your kids. Nor
do you owe them any justification
of your commitment to Jewish life.
But for the sake of shalom bayit
(family peace) you might have a
gentle discussion with them. The
next time their conversation takes
a turn to day school, Jewish camp
or anything else that sub rosa
seems to be coming from their
worry place, why not bring the
issue into the light? Say something
like,"Mom/Dad-in-Law, it seems
that since [wife] died, you seem
concerned about the kids'Jewish
identities. I want you to know that
Judaism and the Jewish rituals
that [wife] and I established as a
family are every bit as important
to me, if not more so, now that she
is gone. I appreciate your ideas
about day school/summer camp.
I'll take it from here."
This way you have laid the
boundaries and, if they persist,
remind them that you've had
this discussion. Then change the
subject.
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .