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24
March 12 • 2015
hen we are infants and
children, we depend
upon our parents to care
for us — to teach us and to guide
us so that we are safe. Somewhere
around middle school we enter an
age of independence and begin to
reject our parent's authority.
With my children, I believe that
benchmark was the first week of
middle school when they
received their locker
assignments. Something
about a locker gave my
kids a sense of indepen-
dence and marked an
end to the era where they
accepted as gospel our
words and advice.
From there, matters
evolved to the current state
of affairs — where our
words and advice are sub-
ject to challenge, rejection
and debate — in the same manner as
when we address our own contem-
poraries.
Now, with the benefit of more years
and experiences, I sometimes find
myself engaged in debate with my kids
over points that I believe are irrefut-
able. When this happens, I have to
pause and smile because I recall the
same debate and stubborn resolve that
existed when I was the young adult.
Some things do not change. Our
children often, in the end, mirror
us in many ways; but the process
transcends over time. We cast the
impressions from which the crowns
of their lives are built.
There is, however, another transi-
tion that occurs, when we, as par-
ents, cross the line where our age
and vulnerability cause a transition
requiring our children to assume our
former role in reverse.
We become the dependents and
must look upon them to care for us.
We will need assistance for trips to the
doctor, providing for care, medications
and daily care events. Transitions are
inevitable — from child to indepen-
dent adult, and then from independent
adult to dependent parent.
During the gap years between
these transitions (about 50 to 75+)
we have things to think about and
do. We need to remember how we
felt when we were our children's age
and counsel them — rather than
direct them — as a means of chan-
neling their thoughts.
We should try to guide them while
keeping in mind that our knowledge
is limited to our experience, and
they are free birds with the energy
and desire to spread their wings.
We can counsel them
on financial matters, par-
enting issues and marital
harmony, but we must
remember the mistakes we
made do not dictate the
conclusion that we know
all the correct answers.
When it comes to
our parents, we need to
educate ourselves to pro-
vide them the care and
financial protection they
need. In case the nursing
home need arises, we need to help
them plan and learn about Medicaid
options and qualification for Veteran
Aid and Attendance benefits. We
need to make sure and assist them to
the extent needed to make sure their
assets and holdings will cover their
needs and be preserved in the best
manner as possible.
And the most important thing to
remember is that if we live, we will
ultimately assume the same status in
life as our elder parent. When that
happens, our children will then be
called upon to assume the role of
caregiver to us — their parents.
The manner in which we address
our parents' elder-years transition
will create a lasting impression upon
our children. So we better make a
good impression because when it's
our turn, it's a good bet that the
commitment, attitude and energy
we demonstrated in caring for our
parents will be a mirror image of the
care and commitment our children
bestow upon us.
❑
Ken Gross is an attorney with Thav Gross
and host of Law and Reality that airs
weekly at 8:30 Saturday mornings on
WDFN 1130 AM, "The Fan" and 11 a.m.
Sundays, on TV20.