COMMUNITY
THE BIRD &THE BREAD
MAVEN
Dear Debra
S
WINE BAR I TAP ROOM I SEASONAL KITCHEN
end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous question submission form
on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews.com .
Debra Darvick
Dear Debra,
I just received an invitation to a baby
shower for my sister-in-law. I was raised
with the tradition that Jewish moms
wait until after the baby is born and
all is OK before bringing gifts into the
house. Sister-in-law and I both come
from Jewish families, but she seems to
be OK with the whole baby shower idea.
I know this could all be filed under the
category of old wives' tales, but I realize
I am more superstitious than I thought
I was. I'm OK with going to the shower,
but I really don't want to bring a gift.
How can I pull this off without seeming
judgmental or old-fashioned?
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— No Showers, Please
210 S. Old Woodward Birmingham, MI 48009
1956890
Dear No Showers,
Old wives'tales survive because those
old wives knew a thing or two about
counting one's chickens before they
hatched. With modern medicine, and
Baby's R Us registries being what they
are today, baby showers are making
inroads where little knitted booties
never dared to tread. If it's any com-
fort, old fashioned or not, I'm with you
on this one. But I wasn't invited to the
shower.
Why not give your sister-in-law a
gift for just for her? A certificate for a
mani-pedi or a pregnancy massage
could be a welcome treat. Hopefully,
your sister-in-law isn't the kind to look
a gift horse in the mouth and will be
gracious and excited about whatever
gift you bring to celebrate her becom-
ing a mother.
Dear Debra,
A longtime friend is a great entertainer
and a fabulous cook. Lately I've noticed
that when it comes to dessert, she serves
everyone a sizable portion and then
takes nothing for herself When I re-
spond with a "No thank you,"she serves
me anyway and I end up eating it. It
feels like a real power play. My friend is
quite thin and strict about her calorie
intake. She seems determined to ignore
that I want to watch my weight as well.
Why is she being like this? What can I do
the next time she invites us over?
COUTURE EVENING TRUNK SHOW
— Just Desserts
FEBRUARY 26-28
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ROMA, NOTTE
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722 N. OLD WOODWARD AVE. BIRMINGHAM MI I 48009 1 248.723.4300 I ROMASPOSA.COM
1932110
34 March 2015 1RD
Dear Just,
This dynamic seems to be taking the
battle of the bulge to new heights —
or widths. I could attribute an entire
playground of reasons behind mean
girl hostess'actions. Bottom line is
this: What she does matters less than
what you do. The simplest answer is
also the most challenging: Ignore the
dessert on your plate or take a small
spoonful and then push your plate
aside. At benefit luncheons I've at-
tended, I've seen some women take a
bite and then dump their water glass
into their dessert dish. It does the
trick, but looks rather messy.
Enjoy your longtime friend for her
strengths, and don't let her dessert
power plays trifle you any longer.
Dear Debra,
A few months ago, the daughter of
someone I know suffered a miscarriage.
Neither the daughter nor her mom is a
close friend of mine. We are more than
acquaintances but not "inner circle"
friends. At the time of the miscarriage,
I heard through a mutual friend that
the family was closing ranks and didn't
want calls, cards or offers of any kind of
help.
Last week, I ran into the daughter and
mother. Pleasantries were exchanged;
the mother and I made noises about
getting together soon. The daughter
had her first child with her. Now I feel
awful about never having acknowl-
edged the family's loss. Should I reach
out now and offer sympathies? It will
feel weird seeing the mom and not say-
ing anything.
—What's the Protocol?
Dear What's,
What a devastating loss! When you
get together with your friend, tell her
how lovely it was to see her daugh-
ter and how well she is looking. Say
something sweet about the grand-
child, too. Depending on how the
conversation goes over the course
of your lunch together, you might
mention having heard that the family
preferred to be left alone at the time
of the miscarriage and how glad you
are to reconnect now. Follow your
friend's lead. If she doesn't want to
discuss the situation, move on to
other topics. With good fortune, her
daughter will soon become pregnant
again, and you can certainly offer con-
gratulations and bring or send a baby
gift when the time is right.
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.