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COMMUNITI

KETUBAHS

MAVEN

GLASS TO BREAK

CHUPPAH TO RENT

Dear Debra

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� end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
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WEDDING G1FTS

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Debra Darvick

Dear Debra,

�

III�

Call

.

Just a few years post-college, our son

TRADITION!
TRADITION!

(248)557-0109

has become quite financially successful.
He recently told my husband and me

of a generous (five-figure) donation he

Alicia R. Nelson

made to a charity. He has long sup­
ported other causes as well.
While we are proud of his philanthro­
py, we are disappointed that none of
the causes are Jewish. Nothing we say

has influenced him to support at least

agency. If we Jews don't give
who will? How can we
make our son understand this?

one Jewish

Our

to Jewish causes,

-

Fl1lstrated Mom

that she has now engaged hospice
She has watched our grand­
daughters grow up, playing the role of
''special auntie" throughout their lives.
I want her to receive an invitation,
but I know that she will not be able to
attend. I hate to think it, but we both
know she may not even be alive by the
time of the simchah.
I don't want to send the invitation
and have it be like rubbing salt in a
wound, nor could I not have her receive
an invitation. How can I advise my
daughter-in-law, who will be sending
out the invitations soon?

care.

�

,

Focus

is

YOUr

Image

-

Dear Mom,
Children seem to have an unlimited
supply of ways to frustrate us, don't

Do they share tactics while bar

they?
hopping? Or tweet them from the
trading floor in between transactions?
Let's look at the bigger picture.
Although your son is not donating
to Jewish causes, he is following one

Sorrowful Friend

Sorrowful,

Dear

What

a bittersweet time for you
and your family as you look forward
to welcoming your guests on this

of Judaism's most important mitzvot

special occasion, knowing your dear
friend will not be able to join you. By
all means, your friend should receive
an invitation. Set aside any thoughts
of "rubbing salt into a wound:'

(commandments). Tzedakah literally
means righteousness. In Jewish life,

Having chosen to engage hos­
pice, your friend knows where the

helping those in need is indeed com­
manded; it's not optional. Your son
is taking Judaism's commandment
quite seriously and generously.

your granddaughters grow up, think
how proud and delighted she will

You can't make your son under­
stand anything, even if I do agree with

you that we Jews have an obligation
to support Jewish causes. Why not
engage him in a broader discussion? \
What draws him to the causes he
supports? What matters to him when

choosing an organization? If you can
do so respectfully, suggest a Jewish
cause that aligns with his interests.
Or in a non-judgmental, neutral way,
share with him the reality that many
Jewish causes help non-Jews as

well. Our local JVS welcomes anyone
in need of job training and other

employment support. Many Jewish
literacy programs send volunteers
into public schools.
Stay proud of your son and ditch
the disappointment. One day, he may

around to support a Jewish
And if he doesn't, shep some
big nachas (be big-time proud) that
you can use the words "my son" and
"philanthroplst''ln the same sentence.

come

cause.

chips lie. Since she

has watched

be to receive their invitation and
know they have reached this mo­

ment in

their Jewish lives.

Why not ask your daughter-in-law

if you can send your friend the invita­
tion? Write your friend a short note

telling

her that

what, she
spirit on the girls'

no matter

will be with you in

special day. Perhaps if she is up for it,
and your granddaughters are ame­
nable, have them come and practice

theirTorah or haftorah portion for
her. Or they could each give their

d'varTorah speech.
It could be quite a meaningful
experience for you all. Maybe they'll

bring their dresses to show
her or even their tallises if they will be
wearing them.

want to

Sometimes, entering hospice care

and being freed of debilitating pain
and anxiety can prolong a loved one's
life. If this ends up being the case in

your situation, perhaps your friend
can watch the service in real time (if

synagogue policy allows it) or might
welcome seeing clips of the video soon

.

Dear Debra,

Our granddaughters will be celebrating

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38

February 201 slltLD nmrnn

their b'not mitzvah soon. One of my
dearest friends is very ill, to the point

after.

RT

Debra Dorviekshares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.

www.redthreadmagazine.com