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Dear Debra
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Debra Darvick
Dear Debra,
�
III�
Call
.
Just a few years post-college, our son
TRADITION!
TRADITION!
(248)557-0109
has become quite financially successful.
He recently told my husband and me
of a generous (five-figure) donation he
Alicia R. Nelson
made to a charity. He has long sup
ported other causes as well.
While we are proud of his philanthro
py, we are disappointed that none of
the causes are Jewish. Nothing we say
has influenced him to support at least
agency. If we Jews don't give
who will? How can we
make our son understand this?
one Jewish
Our
to Jewish causes,
-
Fl1lstrated Mom
that she has now engaged hospice
She has watched our grand
daughters grow up, playing the role of
''special auntie" throughout their lives.
I want her to receive an invitation,
but I know that she will not be able to
attend. I hate to think it, but we both
know she may not even be alive by the
time of the simchah.
I don't want to send the invitation
and have it be like rubbing salt in a
wound, nor could I not have her receive
an invitation. How can I advise my
daughter-in-law, who will be sending
out the invitations soon?
care.
�
,
Focus
is
YOUr
Image
-
Dear Mom,
Children seem to have an unlimited
supply of ways to frustrate us, don't
Do they share tactics while bar
they?
hopping? Or tweet them from the
trading floor in between transactions?
Let's look at the bigger picture.
Although your son is not donating
to Jewish causes, he is following one
Sorrowful Friend
Sorrowful,
Dear
What
a bittersweet time for you
and your family as you look forward
to welcoming your guests on this
of Judaism's most important mitzvot
special occasion, knowing your dear
friend will not be able to join you. By
all means, your friend should receive
an invitation. Set aside any thoughts
of "rubbing salt into a wound:'
(commandments). Tzedakah literally
means righteousness. In Jewish life,
Having chosen to engage hos
pice, your friend knows where the
helping those in need is indeed com
manded; it's not optional. Your son
is taking Judaism's commandment
quite seriously and generously.
your granddaughters grow up, think
how proud and delighted she will
You can't make your son under
stand anything, even if I do agree with
you that we Jews have an obligation
to support Jewish causes. Why not
engage him in a broader discussion? \
What draws him to the causes he
supports? What matters to him when
choosing an organization? If you can
do so respectfully, suggest a Jewish
cause that aligns with his interests.
Or in a non-judgmental, neutral way,
share with him the reality that many
Jewish causes help non-Jews as
well. Our local JVS welcomes anyone
in need of job training and other
employment support. Many Jewish
literacy programs send volunteers
into public schools.
Stay proud of your son and ditch
the disappointment. One day, he may
around to support a Jewish
And if he doesn't, shep some
big nachas (be big-time proud) that
you can use the words "my son" and
"philanthroplst''ln the same sentence.
come
cause.
chips lie. Since she
has watched
be to receive their invitation and
know they have reached this mo
ment in
their Jewish lives.
Why not ask your daughter-in-law
if you can send your friend the invita
tion? Write your friend a short note
telling
her that
what, she
spirit on the girls'
no matter
will be with you in
special day. Perhaps if she is up for it,
and your granddaughters are ame
nable, have them come and practice
theirTorah or haftorah portion for
her. Or they could each give their
d'varTorah speech.
It could be quite a meaningful
experience for you all. Maybe they'll
bring their dresses to show
her or even their tallises if they will be
wearing them.
want to
Sometimes, entering hospice care
and being freed of debilitating pain
and anxiety can prolong a loved one's
life. If this ends up being the case in
your situation, perhaps your friend
can watch the service in real time (if
synagogue policy allows it) or might
welcome seeing clips of the video soon
.
Dear Debra,
Our granddaughters will be celebrating
gaven,lakritz@cruiseplanners.com
38
February 201 slltLD nmrnn
their b'not mitzvah soon. One of my
dearest friends is very ill, to the point
after.
RT
Debra Dorviekshares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.
www.redthreadmagazine.com