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Costco Heaven

H

appy, healthy New Year! If you
prey or seagulls
traveled to wonderful vaca-
descending upon
tion destinations during the
a shopping cen-
holidays, I trust you had a great time.
ter parking lot.
Fortunately, I didn't have to venture far to
Fortunately, things
arrive at my getaway destination of choice
settled down and an orderly line formed.
— a place I consider one of the most joy-
Then it happened. A man, who was not
ous and wondrous locations on Earth —
in line, instructed his young son to get a
Costco. Yes, I unabashedly love this gentle
sample ahead of those waiting patiently.
giant of capitalism.
The kid took cuts, snatched the treats and
Just a couple of weeks ago,
retreated to his father. Oh, the
horror!
I actually professed my love
publicly, right there in the
The woman in line ahead of
store. I remember the exact
me expressed her displeasure to
moment. I had just finished
the father. The father became
my fourth sampling of free
combative. The two exchanged
food, a mouthwatering paper
barbs, circling each other like
cup full of macaroni and
they were sizing each other up
cheese. My reaction was
to see who would be the king of
audible, so much so that I'm
the Coscto jungle this day. I had
a real dilemma on my hands.
surprised nobody yelled out,
"I'll have what he's having!" I
Surely, the right thing to do was
Alan
knew it wasn't just the maca-
to come to the aid of this damsel
Muskovitz
roni that sent me soaring. It
in distress. But I'm ashamed to
Jewish News
was a cumulative crescendo
admit that I hesitated when faced
Columnist
of other samples that contrib-
with the quandary of losing my
uted to this moment of bliss
place in line for the chocolates.
— delectable treats that included meatballs
Oh, come on; don't judge me! You know
and oatmeal with brown sugar. And then,
full well the power of those free samples!
there was the incident.
Fortunately, the man retreated and peace
I remember approaching the lady hand-
was restored before I had to make that fate-
ing out free samples of dark chocolate
ful decision. I ate my chocolates and moved
morsels with acai- and blueberry-flavored
on to the clothes.
centers. Mmmmmm. People rushed the
Ah, the pants section at Costco. Once a
tasting cart like buzzards flying over candy
place of great anxiety for me, I'm now actu-

JN CONTENTS

ally able to find my waist size! Two years
and 30 pounds ago, I had to suffer the
public humiliation of digging through each
4-foot stack of khakis only to find they
didn't carry size 44! Yes, I was that guy.
The one who messed up every pile only to
walk away empty-handed. The stares from
onlookers still haunt me. Not now though.
Oh, no; I'm "Mr. 38 Waist:' thank you! (OK,
size 40 depending on the manufacturer.)
Such a magical place this Costco is. I
mean, where else can you go where one
moment you're pleasing your palate and
the next you're buying a pallet of toilet
paper. Without fail, every time I visit
Costco I'm reminded of the line from
Field of Dreams when a player exits the
cornfield and, gazing wide-eyed at the ball
field, asks Kevin Costner, "Is this heaven?"
Which reminds me ... you can actually
buy caskets now at Costco, which takes
"checking out" to a whole new level! Cue
the harp music and I'll see you back here
next month!

❑

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting

talent, speaker, emcee and a regular guest host

on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760.

Visit his website at laughwithbigaLcom and

"Like" Al on Facebook.

JEWISHNEWS

Jan. 1-7, 2015 I 10-16 Tevet 5775 I Vol. CXLVI, No. 21

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Shabbat Lights

Fast of Asarah B'Tevet: Thursday, Jan. 1:
6:50 a.m.-5:58 pm.

Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 2, 4:53 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 3, 5:59 p.m.

Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 9, 5 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 10, 6:06 p.m.

Times are from Yeshiva Beth Yehudah calendar.

"We were solidly middle class, with
the money we needed, and not a lot
extra," said June Axelrad. But
when her husband was diagnosed
with a terminal illness, June quit her
job to take care of him.
"He had liver disease," June said,
"and the toxins affected his brain.
He became emotionally difficult to
live with, his memory failed him, and
then I learned he'd been raiding our
retirement account. That was money
we'd saved and really needed. Then
our home equity loan came due, but
the notices were forwarded to him,
so I found out when the situation
was critical. I was doing my best,
but things were tough."
The next crisis occurred when it
was determined that there were
defective tiles on the roof of June's
home. "I had to have it fixed, not
just for safety, but because the
insurance company wouldn't insure
the house unless the work was
done," she said. "It was money I
couldn't afford all at once, so I
swallowed my pride and looked for
support at another Jewish agency,
which sent me to Hebrew Free
Loan. What lifesavers.
"Now I tell people, if someone
seems like they need help, they
should go to HFL, because the
process was so easy and I was
treated so well," June said.

Become an HFL Donor.
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