COMMUNITY
MAVEN
Dear Debra
Dear Debra,
end your questions to deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous question submission form
on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews.com .
Dear Debra,
Debra Darvick
My mother has told me
that she doesn't want her sister to attend
her funeraL Mother is ill but certainly not
on her death bed. My aunt is a real scene
maker and has been nasty to my mother
for as long as I can remember. As an adult,
I've maintained my distance from her.
When the time comes, I have no idea
how I would keep my aunt from attending
my mother's funeraL Our immediate fam-
ily lives in neighboring communities, so
it's impossible to keep this aunt in the dark
until after the funeraL I want to honor my
mother's request, and the idea of my aunt
crying crocodile tears over my mother
makes me furious. But 1 can just imagine
the uproar it will cause if I try to fulfill my
mother's wish that her sister not attend
her funeraL
— Gravely Concerned
Dear Gravely,
My sympathies to you and your mother
as you face the inevitable direction of
her illness. When that sad day arrives,
long may it be in the future, you will
have more important concerns than
going mano-a-mano with your aunt.
Should you have a fridge-sized fam-
ily member, perhaps turn the task of
bouncer over to him.
But practically speaking, if your aunt is
a scene maker, the prospect of her act-
ing out at such an emotionally charged
time may well cause you more stress
than witnessing her shed tears over
your mother, crocodile or no.
Funerals are for the living, so perhaps
you can talk to your mother about re-
leasing you from honoring her request.
At a time when you will be mourning
her loss, I am sure she will not want to
add to your heartache by having to
confront her difficult sister. And who
knows? Life is strange. There may be a
reconciliation. Your aunt might boycott
the funeral or attend and behave her-
self. Or maybe your mother will outlive
her sister, thus making the entire issue
moot.
I know kids these days can't be separated
from their cell phones, but it's come to
my attention that my daughter has on
occasion spoken to me while she's using
the bathroom. I won't go into details, just
trust me on this. Aside from reminding her
of the risk of dropping her phone in the loo
and contaminating it, what can I say to
her to let her know I don't want to talk to
her while she's, um, downloading?
between us, she begins to pull away and
says she has "commitment issues." I don't
want to lose her but, I don't know how
long I should wait around.
— Wanting to Wed
Dear Debra,
Dear Wanting,
Waiting around is what you do when
your car is being serviced, not when
you are hoping to marry the woman
of your dreams. Your girlfriend is
telling you straight out that she's not
ready. By continually bringing up
"making things more permanent"
you seem to be pushing her toward a
relationship the memory of which still
holds more grief than joy. There is no
surer way to lose someone than to be
deaf to her needs and clearly commu-
nicated desires.
If you have a timetable by which you
must be married, then this may not be
the woman for you. But if she is "the
one,"give her the space she needs to fig-
ure out what and with whom her future
will be. No guarantees it will be you, but
if you keep pushing, she will likely push
back and away for good.
I've met a wonderful woman and can see
spending the rest of my life with her. She
is newly divorced (fora year now). When I
bring up making things more permanent
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com .
— Charmin, Not
Dear Charmin, Not,
It's one thing for women to visit the la-
dies room en masse before dessert and
another thing entirely to be brought
into a stall as a fait accompli. Be straight
with your daughter. Tell her that you'd
prefer she finish her business and then
call you after she's washed and dried her
hands. If she persists with the potty talk,
the next time she calls from the throne,
simply tell her that you will speak to her
when she's finished. And then gently
hang up.
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