>> family counseling om m -- Refracting And Refueliini Take time to regroup after trauma. D uring our lives, we all will experience some kind of life-disrupting trauma. A loved one dies, we lose our job, we get divorced or we get sick. At different points during these occasions, we try to deal with the pain and seek ways to incorporate the changes into our lives. At each stage of this process, we may feel fear, anxiety or depression. These emotions require processing time in order for us to recover in an acceptable way; this is refracting. The goal of refracting is to transform the intense feelings of regret or sadness into feelings of renewed optimism and strength. Refracting has three stages, which can be under- stood as similar to taking a picture with an automatic camera. The first stage of refract- ing is the calm time prior to experiencing a signifi- cant event. Life at this point is stable and undisrupted. Think of your camera hanging around your neck with its battery charged; it's idle, but available. The second stage is when the traumatic event happens. As the event occurs, an array of emotions, turmoil and insecurity is triggered. This is like snapping the picture and seeing the flash go off, using up the camera's stored energy to create the image. In due course, you reach the last stage — the refractory period — when the event's intensity diminishes and you can work through the distress of the trauma and discover a new sense of resolve. As with the camera, refract- ing requires time to recharge yourself fully. Recently, a man came to me after suddenly losing his job; his life was understandably in disarray. To begin refracting, I suggested that he needed time to accept his sadness before seri- ously looking for another job. This would allow him to reduce his depres- sion and anger and plan his next moves. Ultimately (and fortunately), he was able to find another position, putting him back on the road toward his prior status. This example shows the three stages of refraction. Indeed, it is easy to see how refracting can be applied in many other circumstances. Another person is in the throes of divorce. She sees her marriage as beyond saving; she is angry and sul- len. Her energy is depleted. She is less productive at work and dreads going home. Her life will change soon; she just has to make it through to the final court date. She requires time to refract before rearranging her life. Yet, she requires more than time. She must trust that her future again will be filled with hope and potential. This description of refracting describes accurately the method to recover from an arduous life episode. While instructive on the mechanical level, refracting does not substan- tially offer the emotional necessities, such as inspira- tion and motivation, to sur- vive such ordeals. Beyond refracting to recharge, consider this period a time to refuel yourself — to reacquire relationships that will provide the energy necessary to regain your life balance. Refueling goes beyond refracting by drawing on your own resources and those of others to sup- port and sustain you. Often the ini- tial reaction to a problem is feeling alone; no one is there to help you get through your struggles. Part of refuel- ing is drawing on the experiences and knowledge of others. Their guidance provides comfort and confidence that life will get better. Without doubt, you will survive. The challenge of refracting, then, is to reach out at the very time you feel like turning inward. Having the belief that you can recover from whatever you are facing will propel you toward future success. One way I refuel is recalling my father's reassuring words: "Gam zeh ya'avor" or "This, too, will pass:' Refracted and refueled, you will be able to push beyond your obstacles. ❑ ARCADIA Home Care & Staffing Home Care at the Highest Standard 411‘11 A full service agency providing quality care for your loved ones. • Live-In or Hourly • No minimum hours • Complimentary Assessment • Ongoing Care Coordination • All employees are bonded & insured Caregivers Assist With: -Medication Reminders -Safety Monitoring -Transportation Call Lynn Feinberg and Andy Roisman -Bathing & Dressing -Kosher Prepared Meals •Companionship (248) 594-4574 visit us online • arcadiahomecare.com & & Jewish Nevyak presentsmi Meet your Beshert with a Jewish News personal ad. Send in your personal ads and contact info via email to jnloveconnection@renmedia.us. The cost is $39 for four weeks. Ads can be up to 40 word .... No photos. 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