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Refracting
And Refueliini
Take time to regroup after trauma.
D
uring our lives, we all will
experience some kind of
life-disrupting trauma. A
loved one dies, we lose our job, we get
divorced or we get sick. At different
points during these occasions, we try
to deal with the pain and seek ways to
incorporate the changes into our lives.
At each stage of this process, we
may feel fear, anxiety or depression.
These emotions require processing
time in order for us to recover in an
acceptable way; this is refracting. The
goal of refracting is to transform the
intense feelings of regret or sadness
into feelings of renewed optimism and
strength.
Refracting has three
stages, which can be under-
stood as similar to taking a
picture with an automatic
camera.
The first stage of refract-
ing is the calm time prior
to experiencing a signifi-
cant event. Life at this point
is stable and undisrupted.
Think of your camera
hanging around your neck
with its battery charged; it's
idle, but available.
The second stage is when
the traumatic event happens. As the
event occurs, an array of emotions,
turmoil and insecurity is triggered.
This is like snapping the picture and
seeing the flash go off, using up the
camera's stored energy to create the
image.
In due course, you reach the last
stage — the refractory period — when
the event's intensity diminishes and
you can work through the distress of
the trauma and discover a new sense
of resolve. As with the camera, refract-
ing requires time to recharge yourself
fully.
Recently, a man came to me after
suddenly losing his job; his life was
understandably in disarray. To begin
refracting, I suggested that he needed
time to accept his sadness before seri-
ously looking for another job. This
would allow him to reduce his depres-
sion and anger and plan his next
moves. Ultimately (and fortunately),
he was able to find another position,
putting him back on the road toward
his prior status. This example shows
the three stages of refraction. Indeed,
it is easy to see how refracting can be
applied in many other circumstances.
Another person is in the throes
of divorce. She sees her marriage as
beyond saving; she is angry and sul-
len. Her energy is depleted. She is less
productive at work and dreads going
home. Her life will change soon; she
just has to make it through to the final
court date. She requires time to refract
before rearranging her life. Yet, she
requires more than time. She must
trust that her future again will be filled
with hope and potential.
This description of refracting
describes accurately the method to
recover from an arduous life
episode. While instructive
on the mechanical level,
refracting does not substan-
tially offer the emotional
necessities, such as inspira-
tion and motivation, to sur-
vive such ordeals. Beyond
refracting to recharge,
consider this period a time
to refuel yourself — to
reacquire relationships that
will provide the energy
necessary to regain your life
balance.
Refueling goes beyond
refracting by drawing on your own
resources and those of others to sup-
port and sustain you. Often the ini-
tial reaction to a problem is feeling
alone; no one is there to help you get
through your struggles. Part of refuel-
ing is drawing on the experiences and
knowledge of others. Their guidance
provides comfort and confidence that
life will get better. Without doubt, you
will survive.
The challenge of refracting, then, is
to reach out at the very time you feel
like turning inward. Having the belief
that you can recover from whatever
you are facing will propel you toward
future success.
One way I refuel is recalling my
father's reassuring words: "Gam zeh
ya'avor" or "This, too, will pass:'
Refracted and refueled, you will be
able to push beyond your obstacles. ❑
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December 18 • 2014
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