family focus

These tips help bring the elderly into the festiveness of holiday celebrations.

Helping Guests With
Dementia Avoid Frustration

Ruthan Brodsky

I Contributing Writer

Your elderly relative may be expe-
riencing a level of frustration and
anxiety you can't understand. She
simply doesn't have access to certain
details, but she is still a conscious
and feeling person who has plenty to
offer. If you get frustrated, she'll pick
up on it. Manage your expectations
by understanding the holidays will
be different, advised Kerry Mills and
Jennifer A. Brush, authors of I Care,
A Handbook for Care Partners of
People with Dementia
(engagingalzheimers.com ).

M

ost of us celebrate Thanksgiving
and Chanukah with our fami-
lies. Children come home from
college. Your brother's family is driving
in from Chicago with your sister-in-law's
mother, Annie, who was recently diag-
nosed with beginning signs of dementia.
And your divorced niece is joining the
family with her twin 10-year-old boys.
You've mapped out the day. You know
which football games are a must, and
you've planned the menu. There will be
17 at the Thanksgiving table. All is well
except you're concerned about how your
great-aunt and Annie from Chicago will be
included in the festivities.
Here are several approaches for you
to take so everyone is included in the
Thanksgiving celebration.

Intergenerational Approach
One way to introduce the younger gen-
eration to the older is to have licensed
teenagers responsible for transporting
the elderly relative to your home. This
includes helping them with their coat,
helping them get in and out of the car
and then taking them home. This is a
subtle intergenerational opportunity for
connecting and bonding.
Offer these questions to encourage a
conversation: How did you meet Papa?
How old were you when you were mar-
ried? Did you ever work outside the
home? Is there something you've always
wanted to do that you haven't done yet?
Know the physical challenges that
some family members face, such as hear-
ing loss, severe arthritis or chronic back
problems, and how you can accommodate
these needs. Consider assigning someone
to sit close to those with physical prob-
lems so they can cheerfully repeat parts
of the conversations that were missed by
the elderly relative.
Watch out for those times at fam-
ily occasions when older relatives and
friends appear not to be part of con-
versations. When the conversation is
dominated by social networking or the
latest technology, for example, be sensi-
tive to the older generation and show
your great-uncle or aunt how the gadgets
work.
When appropriate, asking grandpar-
ents and older adults about their life
experiences can help them feel included.
The elderly remain a unique source of

38

November 20 • 2014

Safety First

Your elderly friend may be commit-
ting herself to activities she shouldn't
be doing, such as driving. She's been
driving for decades, but now she has
a memory problem and may have
forgotten how to drive safely. Make
arrangements for transportation with
someone who knows her fairly well
and can start a conversation.

Be Sensitive

Elderly relatives or friends might have a hard time feeling included at the holiday
table, but you can ease the way.

advice for adapting to life experiences
and they usually want to pass on to
younger generations the valuable lessons
they learned from their experience
"It's important to the elderly that oth-
ers recognize their independence and
value their important role as advice
givers:' says Carol Rosenberg, director,
Jewish Senior Life Foundation. "Take out
a photo album and reminisce about past
experiences and events that were impor-
tant to your grandmother. Ask your
father if he thinks he can still cut the
turkey or if he wants some help."
Stress thankfulness at holidays.
At our Thanksgiving, we take the time
to ask everyone around the table what

they're thankful for this year," said Karen
Colby Weiner, Ph.D., a clinical psycholo-
gist in West Bloomfield. "We also tell
everyone that they can bring something
that went on their table when they were
younger. Whether it's a special holiday
plate from Poland or a worn-out stuffed
animal, each one has to tell a story about
what they brought.
"I am very mindful of the event, espe-
cially about who is going to be there and
how I can encourage everyone to actively
participate in the event and conversa-
tions," Weiner said. "For example, I may
ask an aunt to join us the day before and
help me with the baking. More personal
history anecdotes usually result when

Give the small grandchildren a warn-
ing about being too exuberant. Check
with the caregiver to make sure
you understand your relative's chal-
lenges. For example, instead of wine
for the Thanksgiving toasts, open a
bottle of grape juice to make sure it
won't react badly with Uncle Joe's
Alzheimer's medication, authors Mills
and Bush suggested.
Assign several family members to
personally engage the person in brief
conversations throughout the event.

I announce I'm still using my mother's
recipe for stuffing?'
Weiner also pays attention to seating
placement at the table.
"I already know the noise level will
be a bit high around the house that day
because everyone will be talking at the
same time and the kids will be running
around," Weiner said. "That makes it
tough for anyone with hearing problems,
which means seating arrangements are
important. I sometimes place elderly
family members near the ends of the
table where there's fewer cross conversa-
tions and they can exit easier. I also try
to keep the background noise from the
football games down to a minimum?'

