family focus

What You Didn't See In
The Ray Rice Video

T

he extensive press coverage of
the Ray Rice story is unprec-
edented in bringing the issue of
domestic violence to public attention. I
have been a domestic violence advocate
for more than 20 years and have dreamed
of the day that the problem would get the
attention it deserves as the largest threat to
women's health worldwide.
And yet, now, I am disap-
pointed.
I am disappointed that
there is no video of the
hundreds of small control-
ling steps that led up to
the knockout punch in the
elevator. I am disappointed
that the enhanced video
was necessary for the NFL
Ellen
to permanently ban Ray
Yashins
Rice from the league. I am
Chute
disappointed that people
continue to ask, "Why does
she stay?" rather than "Why does he do
it?" I am disappointed that with all of the
coverage, we still see domestic violence as
isolated incidents rather than the perva-
sive pattern that it is, affecting nearly 25
percent of all intimate relationships.
Domestic violence is a complex issue. It
involves two people: one who controls and
one who is afraid. The statistics indicate
that the controller is a man in 95 percent
of cases and the person who is afraid is
a woman. Domestic violence is an equal
opportunity offender, occurring in the
same proportions across religious, educa-
tional and socio-economic groups. It also
occurs in same-sex relationships.
Victims of domestic violence experience
daily controlling tactics of intimidation,
contempt, shame, blame, financial control
and isolation. These daily activities destroy
her sense of self and leave her feeling to
blame for the state of the relationship. The
abusers also feel victimized. They are con-

Fire Prevention Tips

To help raise awareness of ways to
reduce the risk of injury or death in
case of a fire, Farmington Hills-based
law firm Fabian, Sklar & King, which
specializes in representing victims of
fires and explosions, has released a list
of tips and best practices to help fami-
lies enhance fire safety practices within
their homes.
According to the National Fire
Protection Association (NFPA), the
presence of working smoke alarms cuts
the risk of dying in a home fire in half.
"As a law firm that works with
victims of fires and explosions, we've

38

October 16 • 2014

JN

tinuously disappointed by the actions of
their partners. When asked why they use
violent or abusive tactics, they respond,
"She left me with no choice:'
The two people generally love each
other. They try hard to make the relation-
ship work by trying to get the other per-
son to change. This leads to a dangerous
downward spiral of increasingly
threatening behaviors, becoming
the most dangerous at her threat
of leaving the relationship.
All of his actions are attempts
to gain, regain or maintain control
because he is unable to tolerate the
relationship unless he feels in con-
trol. Contrary to popular belief,
the abuse does not end once she
leaves. Women are in the most
danger once they have left the
abusive relationship and, in our
community, this may be the first
time that physical violence is used
as a method of control.
Ray Rice's punch in the elevator was
the act of a desperate man doing what
he could to gain control of his fiancee. It
was the hundredth step in a hundred-step
journey of control. I worry about the rami-
fications to his wife now that he has lost
control of so many other areas of his life,
for in his mind, surely, she is to blame.
What can we learn from this, and how
can we help?
Change must begin early. Tony Porter,
co-founder of A Call to Men, said in a
recent TED talk that we must teach our
boys "that it's OK to not be dominating;
that it's OK to have feelings and emotions;
that it's OK to promote equality; that it's
OK to have women who are just friends
and that's it; that ifs OK to be whole:'
We must teach our girls to be wary
of "charming" guys. Charm is a control
tactic. We must teach them to say no to
controlling behavior early on in relation-

seen firsthand the devastation that
these disasters can cause' said Michael
Fabian, founding shareholder of
Fabian, Sklar & King. "Smoke alarms
should be a vital component of every
home's safety plan:'
Other tips:
• Install smoke alarms inside and
outside each bedroom, sleeping area
and on every level of the home, includ-
ing the basement.
• Because smoke rises, alarms should
be positioned on the ceiling or high
on a wall, and at least 10 feet from the
stove to prevent false alarms.
• Check smoke alarms at least once

October Is Domestic
Violence Awareness Month

ships. We must allow them to know that
they are entitled to live a life without fear.
We must encourage our children to pick
partners who are willing to do the hard,
tireless, messy work of living life as a team,
where the control is shared. We can make
a difference!
You can join our cause. Put our JCADA
sticker that is on the front of the Jewish
News in a place of importance! Pick up a
purple ribbon at any participating Jewish
communal agency and wear it during the
month of October.
JCADA will also be working in the
months ahead to rally 100 mentshes, men
of all ages who will commit to help end
domestic abuse in our community. Keep
your eyes open for more information
about that campaign soon, or call me at
(248) 592-2666 if you want to get involved.
For help, questions or information,
call the JCADA helpline at Jewish Family
Service at (248) 592-2335.

❑

Ellen Yashinsky Chute is the JFS chief

community outreach officer.

a month to ensure they are working
properly.
• Replace smoke alarms after 10
years.
• Know at least two ways out of every
room and select a family meeting place
outside. Practice home fire drills twice
a year.
Since 2010, Fabian, Sklar & King has
helped make 2,500 smoke alarms avail-
able free — including installation by
a Detroit Fire Department (DFD) fire-
fighter — to Detroit citizens through
an annual donation of 500 smoke
alarms to the DFD in honor of Fire
Prevention Week, Oct. 5-11.

❑

Pink Shabbat
For Breast Cancer
At B'nai Moshe
In recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness
Month and the upcoming JCC Book
Fair, Congregation B'nai Moshe in West
Bloomfield is having a "Pink Shabbat" on
Saturday, Oct. 25.
Congregants and visitors are being
asked to "Pack the Place in Pink" by dress-
ing in pink to heighten awareness for the
need for early detection of breast cancer
and to promote further research.
The Shabbat will also kick off the B'nai
Moshe Sisterhood's co-sponsorship of
author Geralyn Lucas at the book fair in
November. Lucas is the author of Then
Came Life: A Memoir of Living with the
Same Courage, Spirit and Humor that
Helped Me Survive Breast Cancer. She
also authored Why I Wore Lipstick to My
Mastectomy.
Shabbat services will be followed by
a pink Kiddush. The public is invited to
attend services to show support for breast
cancer research.

mi

Charity Luncheon To
Raise Health Awareness
Did you know that the way you stand, the
tone of your voice, the way you raise your
eyebrows or perform a handshake can tell
a lot about you?
According to Tonya Reiman, a body lan-
guage expert, these things show whether
a person is telling the truth and speaks
volumes about how they really feel in a
given situation.
Reiman will discuss body language
analysis at the 15th annual Remarkable
4
Women Luncheon on Oct. 23. The char-
ity luncheon will run from noon to 2 p.m.
at The Henry, 300 Town Center Drive in
Dearborn.
Guest speaker Leslie Sansone, nationally
known fitness expert and creator of the
"Walk At Home" series, will also speak at
the event.
"We are thrilled to have Tonya and
Leslie with us this year to share their
career accomplishments and expertise to
help inspire, educate and motivate us all,"
said Florine Mark, president and CEO of
The Weight Watchers Group Inc.
The charity luncheon will also recognize
and honor "Remarkable Women" from
across Metro Detroit. Proceeds will ben-
efit the Florine Mark Inpatient Unit for
Women's and Children's Health at Henry
Ford Hospital, Beaumont Ministrelli's
Women's Heart Fund and The University
of Michigan Cardiovascular Center.
Tickets are $75 for individuals and
$70 for Weight Watcher members. To
register, visit www.askflorine.com or call
1-888-3-Florine.

I