metro >> family counseling
Resetting Your
Defaults
W
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BSN, CCM, CRRN,
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1947850
28
October 16 • 2014
Jr.
e all own some kind of
electronic device. When
a problem arises, we
usually reset the device to the origi-
nal factory settings called defaults.
However, unlike our devices that
default to a balanced state, people's
defaults are preset responses usually
applied in times of frustration, sad-
ness or anger. We tend to use them
indiscriminately, acting before we
think of the impact on
others and ourselves.
Often our defaults
have us going against
our better inclinations
because we imple-
ment them without
consideration of the
consequences. You only
become aware of the
impact of your default
settings after you have
acted. The automatic
nature of defaults leaves
us open to regret. Once
deployed, they can leave
us depressed and with diminished
self-esteem.
Each time you reset a default, you
alter your emotional state in a way
that teaches you how to better deal
with struggles or conflicts. So reset-
ting a default requires us to change
both our attitude and behavior.
One common default setting oper-
ates when you feel others have hurt
you or when you yourself are the
person who causes this pain. You
forget an important date or event,
make a mistake at work or burn
something on the stove. Your default
may be to lash out angrily at yourself
or someone else, cry or even throw
something.
So what are your alternatives?
You can choose to be silent, make a
disbelieving look or turn reflexively
to some other task. Resetting your
defaults is not merely adaptive. It also
helps you become more aware of the
indicators that trigger your defaults
in the first place. Ultimately, the
more sensitive you become to how
your defaults affect you or others, the
easier it can be to reset them.
Consider this scenario: A friend
of ours loves to entertain. Her gath-
erings are wonderful experiences,
fun and well attended. Though she
always receives numerous compli-
ments, her defaults trap her into
doubting that people are having a
good time or that she served the
right food. Her defaults make it
nearly impossible for her to enjoy
her own events. More importantly,
her defaults can adversely affect
the enjoyment of her guests. I have
encouraged her to reset her defaults
to "Yes, there is enough of every-
thing" and, "Yes, people are having
a good time." This now has made
it possible for her to enjoy herself
when she entertains.
Married couples employ
defaults when they argue.
In these squabbles, their
defaults may be to belittle,
walk away, denigrate friends
or relatives ("You're just
like your mother") or yell.
On the assumption that it is
better to resolve a conflict
than continue resorting to
caustic exchanges, resetting
their defaults as a couple
puts them on the right track
to expressing feelings more
effectively and actually find-
ing reasonable solutions to
their conflicts.
Parents' defaults can indicate
inconsistencies when responding to
different children who do similar
unacceptable behavior. For example,
when one child forgets a chore and
lies about it, one parent's default
may be to admonish the child mildly.
However, when a sister or brother
does the same thing, that parent's
default may be harsher: denying a
privilege or taking away toys.
Some parents' go-to defaults derive
from memories of what their own
parents did. For parents, one goal of
resetting defaults is to avoid replicat-
ing defaults from your own past that
you still resent or know did not work.
It is difficult to discard defaults;
the very act of recognizing a default
and then resetting it makes it less
automatic. Once you have changed
your defaulted actions and thoughts,
write the new reset on sticky notes
and place them prominently around
your home, car or workspace.
Defaults are only your fault if you
let them control you. Resetting your
defaults puts the control back into
your hands.
❑
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social
worker at Counseling Associates Inc.
in West Bloomfield, where he counsels
children, teens and adults experiencing
family or personal psychological
problems.