frontlines

From Nude Celeb Photos
To Spitting Tigers

0

K, I don't care what your calendar says, it just can't
but take my word for it, it's not worth
be September yet, especially after what we endured trading your Mickey Mantle rookie
last winter and even more so because this summer
baseball card for.
never turned up the heat.
Oh, speaking of the Tigers, allow
So, I'm officially extending the month of August, which
me to digress for a moment. I would
means you're receiving this week's issue on Aug. 42nd or the
like to make an appeal to Major
43rd. That being said, allow me to wish you in advance a very
League Baseball to restrict the number
happy, healthy New Year, which begins at sundown on Aug.
of times a player can spit. I am an avid
Brad Ausmus
55th.
Tigers fan and I watch at least a por-
Now, for a postscript to my last column: It appears the dumb- tion of every televised game, and I'm
ing down of television has reached epidemic proportions.
not sure how much more spitting I can take.
You might recall that last month I addressed the
Brad Ausmus, our nice Jewish manager, is a non-
undressing of American television, specifically the
stop sunflower spitting machine. Brad, make not
new/nude reality show Dating Naked, where con-
spitting your Rosh Hashanah resolution. And relief
testants go on blind dates sans clothes. Well, since
pitcher Phil Coke? He never throws a spitter, but he
then I have come to learn about two more reality
never throws without spitting! Enough already!
shows that are saving a ton of money on wardrobes.
Where was I? Oh yeah, nude cell phone pictures.
The Game Show Network has Skin Wars, which
Look, I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to being
features portrait artists whose subjects are nude.
obsessed with my cell phone. I count calories with it.
Then there's Buying Naked on TLC featuring a nud-
I track exercise. I even had an app that took my pulse
ist real estate agent who finds homes for fellow
and, of course, I text, email and dictate notes into
nudists. As a seasoned "journalist:' I had no choice
my cell phone. However, I've never taken an intimate
Alan
but to research this further. In doing so, I learned
photograph of myself or anyone else with it.
Muskovitz
that Buying Naked features both homes and home
We all know once something is in cyberspace, it
Jewish News
buyers who could be classified as "fixer uppers."
never goes away. All of this nonsense just makes
Columnist
me yearn for a simpler time when we relied on dial
As for me, I would never subject myself to such
humiliation out of fear that my house would pass
phones. Yes, you could just pick up the phone, dial a
inspection but not me.
friend's number and use your imagination to picture
Sorry, but there's other nude news. As of this writing, an
them naked.
investigation was under way to determine how numerous celeb-
L'shanah tova tikateivu! May all your prayers be answered;
rities had their online accounts hacked, resulting in the release
including my prayer that this column doesn't keep me from
of intimate photographs they had taken of themselves on their
being written into the Book of Life.
cell phones. Even Detroit Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander and
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee
his girlfriend, model Kate Upton, have showed up together in
and a regular guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR-AM 760.
their birthday suits. From what a friend of mine told me about
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com .
the photo ... OK, OK, who am I kidding, I saw the photograph,

❑

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Sept. 11-17, 2014 I 16-22 Elul 5774 I Vol. CXLVI, No. 6

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7:29 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Sept. 13, 8:29 p.m.

Shabbat: Friday, Sept. 12,

Shabbat: Friday, Sept. 19, 7:17 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Sept. 20, 8:16 p.m.

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