Kidspeak

Suggestions for talking to your kids
about what's happening in Israel.

I

Sivan Zakai and
Miriam Heller Stern

0

ur children are listening.
When we pore over news
sources and incessantly check
our Facebook feeds to find out the latest
from Israel and Gaza, our children are
watching. When we whisper in muted
voices or cry out in protest about the
situation in the Middle East and the
resurgence of anti-Semitism around the
world, our children are hearing.
How do we talk to young children
living far away from Israel about the
current situation when they are not yet
old enough to understand terms like
"Zionism" or "anti-Semitism" or "terror-
ism" or "occupation"?
As parents of young children and also
as Jewish educators, we would like to
offer some tips for talking (and listen-
ing) to young children about the current
conflagration.

1. Acknowledge difficult times:
A father recently told us about a conver-
sation he had with his 4-year-old daugh-
ter. "What's wrong, Daddy?" she asked.
"Nothing," he replied, putting down his
tablet. "Are you upset at me?" she won-
dered. "Of course not," he replied. "Then
why are you crying?" This father had
not even realized tears were in his eyes
as he read about the latest news from
Israel, but his daughter noticed.
It's OK to admit to children that we
are worried, upset and concerned about
current events. This allows them to
begin to understand what matters to us
most. Our children also need to be reas-
sured that we are upset around them but
not because of them.

2. What story do you want to tell?
Whatever your beliefs about the current
crisis and the larger conflict in which it
is embedded, it is important to provide
your children with a narrative structure
for understanding it. Our research into
how young children learn about Israel
suggests that they may not be able to
remember particular names, dates and
events, but they can make sense of
new information about Israel when it
is framed as part of a story told in lan-
guage they understand.
For some American Jews, it is a story
about Jews fighting to protect Israel
from "bad guys" who want to hurt
it. For others, it is a story about how
two peoples want the same land, and
haven't yet figured out how to share (or
divide) it. Some people may explain
the current situation as a story about

40 August 21 • 2014

JN

a fight that quickly got
much worse than anyone
intended. There are many
kid-friendly permutations,
and the stories can change
to reflect the changing situ-
ation.

STARFISH

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Pitch for Detroit organizer Adam Blanck
and his mother Roz Blanck, a Starfish
donor

3. Be mindful of how you
tell it: Follow their lead.

Once children have a basic
storyline, follow their cues
to determine which details
will be helpful to tell them
so their own curiosity can
lead them to make sense
of the complex world in
which we live. You may
have a lot to say about the
situation, but kids often
need to have difficult con-
versations in short bursts.
They can pivot from "Will
the fighting ever stop?" to "Can I have
some watermelon?" without blinking.
Move on when your children do, but
let them know that you are ready to
return to the conversation at any point
when they have additional questions or
thoughts to share.
Be willing to admit you don't have all
the answers. It is OK to tell children,
"I don't know," or, "Even our leaders
haven't figured that out yet."
Be deliberate when you use the words
"we" and "us."
You could be using these words to
describe "our family" or "the Jewish
people" or "those who care about
Israel" or "people who share our val-
ues." Children can get confused — and
unnecessarily worried — when these
different meanings bleed together. For
example, kids can feel anxious when
they hear, "we [Israel] are under attack
so we [our family] are worried." Try to
be as clear as possible when you say
"we" and "us:' particularly as it pertains
to your children's immediate safety.

4. Talk about how to help:

Talking about difficult times in a far-
away place can sometimes feel beyond
our control, so think about concrete
things you can do to help. Some possi-
bilities include:
Give money/tzedakah. This is an
opportunity to model and tell the story
of helping others in difficult times.
Talk to your children about which
organization(s) you are supporting and
why, and enlist the help of older chil-
dren in the decision-making process.
Reach out to people in Israel your chil-
dren may know. A Skype date or phone

After The Pitch

Starfish pitches for youth
in Metro Detroit every day.

C

call with friends or relatives in Israel
will not make anyone safer, but it can
give your children and the people whom
they contact a feeling of connection.
This is a way of helping your children
understand that the conflict is not only
about places, but also about people
— people for whom, Jewish tradition
teaches us, we are all responsible.
Do mitzvot/good actions in the world.
Visiting a sick friend or helping an
elderly relative cannot solve the crisis in
the Middle East, but it can help renew
our faith in the possibility and power of
goodness in the world. Be mindful of
modeling kind words and actions, and
ask your children to name and enact
ways of being good to others.
Solicit your children's ideas for other
ways to help. One child we know sug-
gested baking and selling challah in
order to donate the proceeds. Another
painted a "peace picture" to decorate
his cousins' safe room in Israel. Allow
children to suggest their own ideas of
what they would like to do to help, and
empower them to contribute in their
own way.
It can be hard for parents to reassure
young children when the world feels like
a much scarier place than it did a month
ago. Yet as parents we need to continue
modeling how Judaism can be a source
of meaning and goodness in our daily
lives. Not only does this help our chil-
dren feel a sense of normalcy and com-
fort, but it can also help restore our own
faith in the possibility of a better future
and can, in these very dark days, offer a
glimmer of light.

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This first appeared on kveller.com.

ommunityNEXT's Pitch for
Detroit (see page 54) brought
great energy to Detroit. Planners
of the event wanted that energy to con-
tinue through the year, so they added a
tent where nonprofits could help answer
the question, "What next?"
Starfish Family Services proudly set
up a table to share information about
the needs of families living in poverty in
Metro Detroit.
Starfish Family Services is a communi-
ty-based nonprofit serving thousands of
children and families annually for more
than 50 years with a focus on early child-
hood development. It provides nearly
1,100 children and their families with
an array of services including prenatal
support, preschool education and home
visits. Programs are offered to pregnant
women, preschool children ages 0-5, ele-
mentary through high school afterschool
programs and a residential teen shelter
program.
"Just as we can't imagine that firefight-
ers in Detroit (this year's Pitch for Detroit
recipient of funds) are expected to fight
fires and save lives while underfunded
with inappropriate basic safety equip-
ment, we can't expect children born into
poverty to get a positive start in life with-
out meeting their basic needs," says Lori
Fidler, coordinator of special projects for
Starfish.
"We have seen the challenges of a
young mother living in poverty — pur-
chasing the basics like diapers is a finan-
cial strain, so books and toys are hardly a
priority."
Starfish's programs depend on volun-
teers, doing everything from painting
classroom walls to gardening, rocking
babies, reading stories or presenting
workshops to adults. Financial donations
are also needed.
For opportunities to tour Starfish,
contact Cheryl Majeske, volunteer
resource specialist, at (734) 728-3491; to
donate, call Lori Fidler, special projects
coordinator, at (734) 727-3144.

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