Family Secrets I can't believe it," my client said. "How is it possible that I never knew that..." The sentence can continue with many possibilities: that my father was married before he married my mom, that my cousin had schizo- phrenia, that my uncle was in prison. How, in this age of limited privacy, can secrets still exist? Families are the best guard- ians of secrets. No electronic device can unseal a story that was created for a purpose and perpetuated through genera- tions of collective mythology. Family secrets are generally buried for protection. They protect people from feeling shame or embarrassment. They protect what they judge to be sinful, disgraceful or intolerable at the time. As times change, thinking changes. Some generational secrets protect information that no longer carries the same stigma, and as those secrets are revealed, they provide glimpses into the rigid thinking of the past. Secret keeping is hard work. It involves arranging life to cover the truth. That might mean constantly watching what we say, ending relation- ships with those who know the truth or creating an illusory "alternate history" built on lies and omissions. In the pro- cess, we spend a great amount of energy seeking to deny our authentic selves. Lawrence Barselou, professor of psychology at Emory University, states that the language commonly used to describe secrets, such as "being weighed down" or "being burdened:' suggests that carrying a secret is akin to a physi- cal burden. When we feel burdened in this way, it is often difficult to fully uti- lize all of our abilities. For example, many studies confirm that people who try to hide their sexual orientation during a conversation score lower on both cognitive and physical ratings scales, meaning that the burden actually lowers their thinking ability and physical strength. Secrets, themselves, are not inherently bad. Many secrets exist that protect peo- ple from truths that may be damaging. In some cases, the truth is inappropriate for children or would exploit someone's right to privacy. In other cases, the truth might create physical or psychological danger. When secrets are held in families, an inauthentic dynamic results. Family members form unspoken agreements to avoid discussion of forbidden subjects, or to act as if they are not feeling what they are feeling. Especially for children, this dynamic can be confusing and stress- ful. In being asked to bury a secret, they learn to deny their feelings to avoid rejec- tion from their parents. The emotional toll of this denial can result in anxiety or depression. The physical toll may result in chronic illness, substance abuse, eating disorders or self- mutilation. Sometimes secrets fuse families together, which makes it difficult for individu- als to create independent lives; and sometimes secrets divide families, which causes irrepa- rable damage to relationships and connection. The Power Of Secrets Often, families protect secrets involving medical, adoption or financial information. I know a woman who lost her mother to a prolonged illness when she was a very young girl. The cause of her ultimate death was never discussed, and her mother was never mentioned in the home following her death. As a teen, she investigated and found that her mother had died of breast can- cer — important information for her to know. At the time, cancer was not dis- cussed. It was seen as something to be stoically accepted, and silenced. So this young girl grew up in a world of pretending: pretending to be OK, pretending not to miss her mom, pre- tending that she was "fine" so that her daddy wouldn't be upset. After losing her mom, she couldn't risk pushing her dad away as well. Instead, this denial led to a life of anxiety and self-doubt, unhealthy decisions and much despair. So, what lessons can we learn when we consider the power of secrets? Be aware of the cost you might later bear from holding a secret. Can you hold a secret and still be authentically yourself? Be aware that children inherently recognize inauthenticity. This doesn't mean that children need to know all of our secrets — some are not appropriate to share — but they can often sense the things that weigh us down, even when hidden. In some cases, children may automatically take on a parent's anxiety as their own. Help them know that you are OK, and that they are OK. On May 21, Jewish Family Service and the Michigan Humanities Council will explore the subject of family secrets with Steve Luxenberg, whose family memoir, Annie's Ghosts, is a testament to the power of secrets. (This event is sold out, but see the box on page 16 for other opportunities.) ❑ Ellen Yashinsky Chute is chief community outreach officer at Jewish Family Service of Metropolitan Detroit. I MAKE YOUR OUTDOOR SPACE... LIVING SPACE o VIARGOLIS NURSERY, INC. 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