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HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD
New books penned by moms reveal the pain and pleasure
of what it means to raise children.
Suzanne Chessler
Contributing Writer
A
psychiatrist and two journalists
— all moms, and all Jewish —
approach this Mother's Day talking
about recently completed books that offer
contemporary insights into parenting.
Robin Berman, a psychiatrist and associ-
ate professor at the University of California
at Los Angeles, advises that parents need
to exercise more control in Permission to
Parent: How to Raise Your Child with Love
and Limits (HarperCollins).
Avital Norman Nathman, a former teacher
turned freelance writer, has joined one of
her essays with those of other moms for The
Good Mother Myth: Redefining Motherhood
to Fit Reality (Seal Press). It explores parent-
ing issues that reflect family trends.
Jennifer Senior, contributing editor for
New York magazine, confronts the effects of
children on parents throughout the pages of
All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern
Parenthood (Ecco).
In the United Kingdom, Berman's book is
titled Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later.
"That had been the joke title, a tongue-in-
cheek way to remind parents that when par-
enting is done right, they may be unpopular
sometimes:' Berman says.
"It doesn't mean we're going back to the
old days of sending kids to their rooms or
threatening to wash their mouths out with
soap. It's about setting limits with love.
"Parents can tell children to be ashamed or
they can ask them about how their choices
worked out and what they could have done
differently. It's about the tone and the words
parents choose."
Berman, who grew up in Chicago and
spent vacation time in Michigan with family
and later with friends at the University of
Michigan, based her conclusions on observa-
tions and talking with parents, children and
professionals working with both adults and
their offspring.
"It creates so much emotional safety for
a child when a parent is in charge she
explains. "This generation is creating anx-
ious kids because parents are uncomfortable
with power, and a person can't parent with-
out power."
Berman attributes some of the lack of lim-
its to the laudable goal of helping children
realize self-esteem but also contends that
approach has been taken too far.
Too many kids, she maintains, are being
told they did well no matter what as par-
ents have tried to avoid discomfort for their
youngsters.
"I think that unintentionally created a
whole generation of fragile kids:' Berman
says. "As a psychiatrist, I see anxiety skyrock-
eting in children, and rates of depression
have gone up exponentially in the last 10
years. That's why I felt the call to help."
Berman can look to Jewish values in the
points she wants to emphasize. She main-
tains that people have moved away from the
overriding idea of respecting parents to an
overriding concern for respecting children.
"Mutual respect is the whole graceful
new middle that I'm trying to find with this
book:' says Berman, who frequently tells
about and quotes others successfully help-
ing children cope with issues. "This book is
really about what goes right.
"Hopefully, parents will feel inspired to
step up and do their best after taking a look
at their own [upbringing]. It's never too late
to right a ship or a child."
In looking at images of the brain,
Berman has noted that good parenting can
change the structure of developing brains.
Screaming wires up anxious pathways; par-
enting from a sense of calm creates different
pathways.
"Being a parent is more about raising
yourself than raising your children:' she says.
Looking at individuality in motherhood is
at the core of The Good Mother Myth.
Nathman, in "Yes, I Am That Selfish:' tells
about deciding to have only one child despite
the wishes of that child and the advice of
family and friends. Carla Naumberg, a clini-
cal social worker and writer, describes her-
self as a "Jewish mother who has never fried
a latke or made matzah ball soup" in "Mama
Don't Cook." Joy Ladin, who teaches writing
at Yeshiva University, opens up about the
effects of gender reassignment on her chil-
dren in "Confessions of a Born-Bad Mother."
"I love that this book has a wide variety
of voices:' says Nathman, who has included
almost 40 essays. "There's not just one type
of mother represented.
"I've been writing about motherhood for
a long time, and I've seen how it's been por-
trayed or used in the media. I got tired of the
limited ways in which motherhood has been
presented — either as an ideal or through
cautionary tales."
In assembling the anthology, Nathman
reached out to friends before asking other
writers she admires.
"I think women appreciate connecting to
stories:' says Nathman, who holds a master's
degree in gender studies from Connecticut's
Wesleyan University.
"It helps them share their own stories.
Although we have a handful of Jewish con-
tributors — I'm Jewish — nobody wrote
specifically to that."
Population studies are at the foundation
of core ideas in Senior's book, which builds
on an article she wrote in 2010. The article
referenced experiments and findings show-
ing that parents are more unhappy than
childless peers, but it also contended that the
high rewards of parenting are not necessarily
measurable.
Chapters progress through different ages
of development and how children reshape
their parents' lives in a time period more
complex than earlier generations experi-
enced.
The complexity results from the greater
ability to have children by choice, changes
in the workforce involving women as well
as extended hours and a redefinition of the
role of children as being more shielded from
hardship.
Senior emphasizes that she is looking at
middle-class families and has expressed her
ideas at the Manhattan JCC.
"This book attempts to look at the experi-
ence of parenthood systematically, piece by
piece, stage by stage, in order to articulate
and in some cases quantify what today's
parents find so challenging about their lives"
Senior writes.
"There's a lot more research out there that
helps to explain why modern parents feel
as they do. What I've tried to do here is knit
it all together, recruiting from a variety of
sources.
"I've then tried to show how all this mate-
rial appears in the lives of real families, in
their kitchens and bedrooms, during car-
pools and over homework hour, as they go
about their daily business."
❑
WITH LOVE AND LIMITS
ROBIN BERMAN, MD
Are today's parents causing
long-term damage to their
children by replacing discipline
and guidance with hyper-
management and false praise?
REDEFINING
MOTHERHOOD TO
FIT REALITY
er
myt
fit
AVIRAL NORMAN NATHMAN
I EDITOR
FOREWORD BY CHRISTY TURLINGTON BURNS
A compilation of stories of
individuality in motherhood
dismantles the media-fed fairytale
of what it means to be a good
mother.
JENNIFER SENIOR
ALL JOY
NO FL N
THE PARADOX
OF
MODERN PARENTHOOD
IMP
—0
411
Examining the effects of
children on parents, this book
measures and articulates
what parents today find so
challenging about their lives.
May 8 • 2014
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