COMMUNITY

MAVEN

Dear Debra

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Dear Debra:

My daughter-in-law
recently gave birth to
our first grandchild.
Sadly, she and I have
gotten off on the
wrong foot — mine
— which I inadver-
tently
put into my
Debra Darvick
mouth. We've always
related well. Until now.
When I saw her place the baby on
his back to sleep, I said, "Oh no! Babies
on their tummies! Otherwise they
might choke."
She muttered something about the
"old days"and told me today's research
strongly links SIDS (Sudden Infant Death
Syndrome) to placing infants under
a year to sleep on their stomachs. I
mumbled apologies and tried to explain
that we were told to place infants on
their tummies to prevent them from
choking should they spit up.
I have apologized more than once,
but she brushes me off and now won't
even let me hold my grandson. What
can I do? Backed into a Comer

Dear Backed,
When I first learned of this change, I,
too, was quite surprised. But as your
daughter-in-law informed you (admit-
tedly none too kindly), incidents of SIDS

-

have been nearly halved in the past two
decades with this change.
First-time moms are at the mercy of
roller-coaster hormones, sleep depriva-
tion, fierce love and fiercer protective-
ness, all powdered with their own shaky
confidence in themselves as mothers.
Instead of apologizing and focus-
ing on "the event:' next time you are
together you might acknowledge how
much parenting wisdom has changed
in three decades.Tell her that you want
very much to be in sync with how she is
raising her son.
Can she recommend useful parent-
ing websites, books or magazines?
Since you've had a good relationship
so far, have patience and trust that over
time, as her pre-pregnancy perspective
returns, she will (hopefully) relax.
Perhaps accompany her to a well-
ness checkup and ask her pediatrician
for resources to help you support your
daughter-in-law. Above all, offer to help
but don't hover. New moms have to
find their own way. Wise ones learn to
consult those who have done it well.
She married your son, so you must have
done something right.

Dear Debra:
My husband and I just returned from a
weekend away to find that our neigh-
bors replaced the fence dividing our

properties. The back side of the fence
faces us and is a real eyesore. The prior
owners consulted us before they put
up the original fence (on their side of
the property line) and involved us in the
design. I always thought that whoever
puts up a fence is supposed to face
the nicer side to the neighbors. With
spring coming we have to look at their
ugly fence all season. What can we do?

Fenced In

Dear Fenced In,
Good fences might make good neigh-
bors, but ugly fences make enemies
quicker than you can say, "Picket"
Check your city or township for rul-
ings on who gets the wrong side of
the fence. Even if it is determined that
a fence on their side of the lot line was
theirs to replace as they saw fit, you
have options, such as planting shrubs as
camouflage. Or consider hiring some-
one to paint a mural on your side. As a
last resort, you can build a second fence
with the right side facing your yard.

Dear Debra:
My mother died when I was 14. My
sister was in her early 20s and inherited
all of our mother's jewelry. At the time
I didn't care. Now that I'm older (our
father has since died), I realize how
nice it would be to have something of

my mother's. My sister never offered
to give me anything, and now I see my
nieces wearing some of the jewelry I
remember my mother wearing. When
I broached the topic, my sister said she
would give me something but never
did. I want to ask again. Should I?

Diamond Lii's Sister

Dear Lil's Sister,
Tricky territory this. While it might
have made sense at the time to give
your older sister your mother's jewelry,
common sense dictates that someone
should have set aside pieces for you to
have when you came of age.
Let's give your sister the benefit of
the doubt that she did indeed mean to
follow through and share your mother's
jewelry. And let's assume that if you ask
again, she will be gracious.
But it so often goes in the other direc-
tion. Are you prepared not to hold a
grudge? To continue seeing your nieces
wearing your mom's jewelry? Because
that's what you may be faced with.
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
of course; just be prepared to end up
where you were at 14 — wrongly de-
nied having some of your dear mother's
belongings. RT

Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .

TOTO

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