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Toward A More Meaningful Shivah
R
abbi, we have to talk about shi-
vah."
This is what someone said
to me recently. I knew exactly what she
meant.
Having recently lost a parent, she had
observed a fairly traditional shivah. There
were aspects of the shivah that had been
helpful and healing. She appreciated hav-
ing her family with her, the many friends
who came to support her and the time
to consider her loss. But toward the end
of shivah, when her kids had returned
to their homes, the "work" of shivah fell
increasingly to her.
The problem is that, as a rule, our com-
munity in general doesn't do shivah very
well. We aren't alone. Many have buried
shivah under a layer of modern methods
that obscure its real purpose.
When people are in mourning, we are
supposed to care for their basic needs.
Traditionally, we send food to the shivah
house so that the family doesn't need to
prepare it. Many of us have been on both
the receiving and giving end of meals for
shivah.
But, when you make a shivah call, what
the mourner is feeling at that moment.
is the most common food that you find?
We are supposed to allow them to speak
Cookies and candy. Those are not meant
about their loved one, to allow them to
for the mourners. The well-meaning bas-
direct the conversation.
kets of sweets transform shivah
While this may seem like it
into a social experience for all
would be uncomfortable, it is
who come to the house.
this aspect of shivah which can
Let me be clear, I don't actu-
be most healing for the mourner.
ally think that friends and
Remember, your visit to the
family come to shivah so that
shivah house is for the benefit
they can have a cookie. But
of the mourner. You fulfill the
when you put cookies and cof-
mitzvah through your presence
fee in people's hands, they chat.
and your willingness to listen.
They talk about this and that,
That is why I always try to
Ali--
they catch up with people they
arrange to visit a shivah house
haven't seen in a while and
during the day when I can. Of
Rabbi Steven
they talk about work. These are
course, it is critical to make
Rubenstein
all nice things to do. But they
sure that the family has a min-
Special to the
don't belong in a shivah house.
yan
for services. But when my
Jewish News
The purpose of paying a
presence isn't needed for min-
shivah call is to perform the
yan, I try to go at a quieter time
mitzvah of nichum aveilim, comforting
of day so that I can speak with the family
the mourner. Jewish tradition teaches us
for more than a brief moment.
the proper way to act when you come to a
In a nutshell, I have some brief advice.
house of shivah.
Though I hope you don't have to be in
We are supposed to enter the house, sit
shivah anytime soon, when you are in
down and be quiet. We don't know how
shivah, I would recommend that you
don't put out food for those who are com-
ing to visit you. I know that it sounds
rude, but it isn't. We shouldn't be asking
mourners to be good hosts and hostesses.
Rather than telling mourners not to
put out food for those visiting the house,
perhaps this is a more important piece of
advice — the next time you go to a shi-
vah house, don't eat anything. You don't
need the cookie; and more importantly,
shivah is not social hour. You are there
to comfort the mourners. And, sooner or
later, we will all be mourners.
Rather than eating that cookie, be part
of the process of changing shivah into an
experience that doesn't put the burden
on mourners, but actually allows them to
mourn.
❑
Steven Rubenstein is rabbi at Congregation
Beth Ahm in West Bloomfield.
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April 17 • 2014
Obituaries