COMMUNITY MAVEN Dear Debra ot a burning question? Need some advice? Send a note to Dear Debra at deardebra@ renmedia.us , and look for an answer in next month's edition. G Dear Debra: My first wife left me when our child was 2 years old. I met a terrific woman when my daughter was 4; she has raised 'Jenny" as her own and their relationship is a loving Debra Darvick one. My daughter saw her mother intermittently as she was growing up and, in recent years, the two have made peace with one another. My daughter is getting married soon and just informed me that she wants my ex-wife and me to walk her down the aisle. I think this would be extremely hurtful to my wife, who loves Jenny deeply and is loved by Jenny as well. I don't know how to tell my wife of my daughter's plans. —Ambivalent Father of the Bride Dear Ambivalent, This could be a real equal-opportunity event for everyone to feel resentful: Your wife could feel sidelined; out of BUILDER PROGRAMS AVAILABLE loyalty to her you could refuse your daughter's request; your daughter could wonder why no one cares about her feelings; your first wife could have misgivings about re-inserting herself into a family she left, and none too kindly; the rabbi could be hoping that everyone will just behave and focus on the new couple's joy. Why is it your place to tell your wife of your daughter's plan? If they have the loving relationship you say they do, and I have no reason to doubt this, then "Jenny" should feel comfortable broaching the discussion with her stepmother. As for the hurt you think this could cause, you won't truly know until your wife is informed of the plan. She might surprise you and rise to the occasion. If she doesn't, then any hurt caused will be for your daughter to own and to ask forgiveness for. Abandoned children, no matter how well loved by others, carry a wound that can take a lifetime to heal. Having her mother by her side as she walks down the aisle may be Jenny's attempt to rewrite a painful reality. Whether it works or not will be for her to own as well. In the recessional, perhaps suggest that Jenny's biological mother walk us from the chuppah with a groomsman (or her significant other), leaving you free to take your wife's hand and honor the woman who has loved and raised your daughter as her own. Dear Debra: My college roommate is still a dear friend and invites our family to her lake house once or twice each summer for a week's visit. It has always been a pleas- ant time, but during our last visit, her husband made a pass at me. I made it clear that he had crossed a line, and he gave me wide berth for the rest of our visit. My friend is insisting that we get a date on the calendar for the coming summer. lam extremely uncomfort- able at the thought of spending a week together in such close proximity to her husband. How do I get out of this with- out hurting my friend? Should I tell her why I'm not committing? — Leery of Lake House Lothario Dear Leery, Last question first. Only as a last resort, and quite possibly not even then, would I advise you to tell your friend why you are not committing to a visit this summer. True, her husband is the one at fault here, and it would be at his feet that any ensuing marital trouble should lie. But your friendship with your college roommate could also be a casualty should you tell her of his boundary crossing. This leaves you with two choices. Choice No. 1 — tell your friend that it won't work for your family this sum- mer. You don't owe any explanations, but she will likely want to know why. Keep it vague — the kids became involved in new activities over the year and are moving in another direction; you'd love the chance for a girls-only visit for just the two of you if that's something that appeals to her. Choice No.2 — give the summer family visit one last try. If the husband behaves himself, you might find yourself comfortable enough to enjoy your friend's company and can write off the prior summer's incident as an aberration. But if he starts acting up again and/or you just can't relax, come next year you are back to choice No.1 above. Successful author and blogger Debra Darvick is the author of "This Jewish Life: Stories of Discovery, Connection and Joy" and "I Love Jewish Faces." Darvick shares her unique take on life, books and more at debradarvick.com . ESTABLISHED 1917 TRUSTED KNOWLEDGABLE HOME APPLIANCE MART SALES STAFF • [MIRO S P'RTEMOER APPLIANCE WOW ROO M • Shop Witbeckappliance.com for our online inventory! WALL OVENS - COOKTOPS - REFRIGERATORS - VENTILATION & MORE! Limited Quantities Available First Come, First Serve! SAS 1 ODD ,ICD% CDffff OM O2) EWC/2)., 6551 ORCHARD LAKE RD. WEST BLOOMFIELD MI (Maple Rd. & Orchard Lake Rd. - Next To Plum Market) 248.932.0870 36 April 2014 I RED THREAD 1900370 www.redthreadnnagazine.conn