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Dear Debra
ot a burning question? Need
some advice? Send a note to
Dear Debra at deardebra@
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answer in next month's edition.
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Dear Debra:
My first wife left me
when our child was
2 years old. I met a
terrific woman when
my daughter was 4;
she has raised 'Jenny"
as her own and their
relationship is a loving
Debra Darvick
one. My daughter saw
her mother intermittently as she was
growing up and, in recent years, the two
have made peace with one another.
My daughter is getting married soon
and just informed me that she wants
my ex-wife and me to walk her down
the aisle. I think this would be extremely
hurtful to my wife, who loves Jenny
deeply and is loved by Jenny as well. I
don't know how to tell my wife of my
daughter's plans.
—Ambivalent Father of the Bride
Dear Ambivalent,
This could be a real equal-opportunity
event for everyone to feel resentful:
Your wife could feel sidelined; out of
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loyalty to her you could refuse your
daughter's request; your daughter
could wonder why no one cares about
her feelings; your first wife could have
misgivings about re-inserting herself
into a family she left, and none too
kindly; the rabbi could be hoping that
everyone will just behave and focus on
the new couple's joy.
Why is it your place to tell your wife
of your daughter's plan? If they have
the loving relationship you say they
do, and I have no reason to doubt this,
then "Jenny" should feel comfortable
broaching the discussion with her
stepmother.
As for the hurt you think this could
cause, you won't truly know until your
wife is informed of the plan. She might
surprise you and rise to the occasion. If
she doesn't, then any hurt caused will
be for your daughter to own and to
ask forgiveness for.
Abandoned children, no matter how
well loved by others, carry a wound that
can take a lifetime to heal. Having her
mother by her side as she walks down
the aisle may be Jenny's attempt to
rewrite a painful reality. Whether it works
or not will be for her to own as well.
In the recessional, perhaps suggest
that Jenny's biological mother walk
us
from the chuppah with a groomsman
(or her significant other), leaving you
free to take your wife's hand and honor
the woman who has loved and raised
your daughter as her own.
Dear Debra:
My college roommate is still a dear
friend and invites our family to her lake
house once or twice each summer for a
week's visit. It has always been a pleas-
ant time, but during our last visit, her
husband made a pass at me. I made it
clear that he had crossed a line, and he
gave me wide berth for the rest of our
visit. My friend is insisting that we get
a date on the calendar for the coming
summer. lam extremely uncomfort-
able at the thought of spending a week
together in such close proximity to her
husband. How do I get out of this with-
out hurting my friend? Should I tell her
why I'm not committing?
— Leery of Lake House Lothario
Dear Leery,
Last question first. Only as a last resort,
and quite possibly not even then,
would I advise you to tell your friend
why you are not committing to a visit
this summer.
True, her husband is the one at fault
here, and it would be at his feet that
any ensuing marital trouble should lie.
But your friendship with your college
roommate could also be a casualty
should you tell her of his boundary
crossing.
This leaves you with two choices.
Choice No. 1 — tell your friend that it
won't work for your family this sum-
mer. You don't owe any explanations,
but she will likely want to know why.
Keep it vague — the kids became
involved in new activities over the year
and are moving in another direction;
you'd love the chance for a girls-only
visit for just the two of you if that's
something that appeals to her.
Choice No.2 — give the summer
family visit one last try. If the husband
behaves himself, you might find yourself
comfortable enough to enjoy your
friend's company and can write off the
prior summer's incident as an aberration.
But if he starts acting up again and/or
you just can't relax, come next year you
are back to choice No.1 above.
Successful author and blogger Debra Darvick
is the author of "This Jewish Life: Stories of
Discovery, Connection and Joy" and "I Love Jewish
Faces." Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .
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