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February 27, 2014 - Image 33

Resource type:
The Detroit Jewish News, 2014-02-27

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The Polar Vortex:
A Conspiracy Theory


ark Twain once said, "Every-
body talks about the weather,
but nobody does anything
about it," a statement so truly false
— and not just because it was
actually Charles Dudley Warner who
actually said it or because there is
incontrovertible scientific evidence
that humans are the cause of global
warming, which is happening even
though it hasn't been hot
and/or humid in forevrer
— seeing as there is a vast
conspiracy of co-conspir-
ators ...
... conspiring for their
mutual benefit by way of
and our immeasurable
loss at the mercy of the
Polar Vortex (Polar Vortex!
a term that seemed like
Sharknado or wardrobe
malfunction when we
first started hearing it until we were
graced with 76.4 inches of snow
— and counting — surpassing the
record set in 1981-82, the winter in
which I was born and, as such, have
limited recollection of the precipi-
tation), a conspiracy so audacious
and lacking in subtlety that the icy
roads can be the only thing keeping
us from storming the meteorologi-
cal Bastille — that and the Winter
Olympics ...
... which we had no alternative
but to watch since shoveling our
driveways has become an Olym-
pic sport unto itself, even though
the games took place in a country
that has been a historical enemy of
democracy and is a current enemy
of gay rights and that the non-live
live coverage, for those of us who cut
costs this winter by cancelling both
our snow plow and cable services,
subjected us to unending advertise-
ments ...
... for The Tonight Show starring
Jimmy Fallon, with whom I shared
a stage in New York at the 2006 Do
Something! Awards, during which
he earned my unending esteem for
properly pronouncing my last name
with the mnemonic device that it
rhymes with Gaelic — convenient,
when you consider U2 performed on
his premiere episode when, in fact, it
is Scotland that will vote in a Sept. 18
referendum on whether to become
independent from the United King-
dom ...


... and McDonald's, who would
have you believe that chomping
down on a McNugget is tantamount
to biting into a gold medal, even as
gold exceeds $1,300 per ounce and
McNuggets exceed 20 for $5, and
the 75 percent of your daily allotted
sodium contained therein could be
much better allocated to melt the
snow on the sidewalk so the mail-
man could bring a Bed
Bath & Beyond coupon so
you could buy a replace-
ment snow shovel and a
panini maker as long as
you're there ...
... and Coca Cola,
whose (polar!) bears are
getting their own feature
film ...
... and Procter and
Gamble, who claims your
face can enjoy their five-
blade Gillette Fusion ProGlide Razor
"for about $1/week* (*"Based on
four shaves per week over average
cartridge use"), which would mean
each $4 cartridge would have to last
a month, which would only work if
you shave once every four weeks,
which you might since you're afraid
of putting your hand near your
eye ...
... lest you contract a Russian strain
of conjunctivitis like Bob Costas did
in Sochi, even as he or, failing that,
Procter and Gamble inspired you to
inspire or, failing that, pressure your
kids to become Olympic athletes by
taking them skiing or, failing that,
sledding, and taking footage of them
on Super 8 film or, failing that, Insta-
gram with a vintage filter ...
... that can later be used in an
advertisement starring them in the
Olympics in which they are compet-
ing, but it's so cold and you are so
eager to leave the house that you
decide to go sit still in a cool dark
room at the movies and, not to be
outdone by NBC/Comcast/GE and
their Olympic coverage, ABC/Disney
has you seeing — again, as one small
step on the inevitable thousand mile
journey to the Sunshine State to Dis-
ney World — a movie literally called
Frozen that literally includes Michi-
gan's own Kristen Bell melodically
singing the line"You've kind of set
off an eternal winter ... everywhere,"a
quote that, in time, will be attributed
to Mark Twain.



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