frontlines

)?)

Global Warming,
Where Are You?

D

earest Global Warming,
breath. Breath out.)
Oh, one other thing,
Hi, hope you've been well. Listen GW, I know you've
Global Warming, and I
taken a lot of "heat" over whether you exist or not,
but that's not why I'm writing to you. I know you probably exist realize this isn't within
in some form or fashion, but it's above my pay grade to debate
your jurisdiction, but I figured
that issue. I'm reaching out because ... I can't take it anymore!
with your connections you might be able to get a word
in with the folks in charge of snowfall scheduling. I would
We're all freezing! Enough is enough! Global Warming, what-
ever your degree of existence ... please come home!
be eternally grateful if it wouldn't snow on my trash pick-up
That polar vortex phenomenon we were introduced
day. I mean, kudos to the my city's snow removal
to a few weeks ago? Sure, it's new to us lay people and,
guys; they do an outstanding job. But they don't
boy, all the TV meteorologists have been downright
like to go "around" my garbage cans — they like
giddy explaining it with their high-tech graphics, but
to go through them. My receptacles either end up
did we really need an encore performance last week?
flying down the street or are buried under 5-foot
And did we really need to hear that even Alaska was
snow drifts. One of my garbage can lids has been
warmer than Detroit? It's been so cold I thought "you
missing since 2007.
know what" had finally frozen over. Of course, we all
On the bright side, again this is a little off topic,
know that won't happen until the Lions win a Super
but I'm so happy that this year I chose to pay my
Bowl. But I digress. What I'm trying to say to you,
snow removal service by the season, not by the
Global Warming, in strictly meteorological terms, is
push!
Alan
we need you to come back and put that polar vortex
So there you have it, Global Warming. Thank
Muskovitz
where the sun don't shine.
you
for letting me vent, and thanks in advance for
Jewish News
I also bring this message to you on behalf of parents
anything
you can do to ease our suffering for the
Columnist
who can't take another weather-related school cancel-
remainder of this, my winter of discontent.
By the way, I realize that this public letter to you
lation. All they're asking for is just a little warm up so
they can at least send their kids outside to play without them risk- has been published just after Ground Hog Day, which I trust
ing getting cryogenically frozen.
ended with a positive result on the side of an early spring. If
On a side note, the absence of your warmth is also making it
not, you will leave me with no choice but to turn to a higher
increasingly difficult for me to look at my Facebook newsfeed.
authority for help. I have my rabbi's cell number at the ready.
Yours Truly,
You see, with each passing frozen day more well-intended people
Alan
are posting photos from their warm-weather vacation destina-
tions. GW, those images are becoming even tougher to look at
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent and a regular
than the barrage of pictures people share on Facebook of their
guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his
children and pets 24/7! It's taking every ounce of self-control to
website at laughwithbigal.com and "Like" Al on Facebook.
refrain from posting sarcastic replies I will live to regret. (Deep

HONORED.
TIMELESS.

IT
BEGINS

HERE

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