frontlines
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News Of
The Future
11 11"6 50.4b
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I
H
appy, healthy New Year, everyone!
What a crazy year 2013 was. It could have been
Thamsanga Jantjie, right, mangled the sign language
even crazier had Time magazine picked Miley Cyrus
interpretation while President Barack Obama spoke at
as its "Person of the Year:' Seriously, she made Time's Top 10!
Nelson Mandela's memorial.
People, you can't make this stuff up! Hmmm, or can you? That
being said, I give you another installment of (echo effect) ...
"News of the Future."
rabbi from Ft. Lauderdale, who, thanks to a little-known church
Jan. 14, 2014 ... In a rare and welcome bipartisan move,
doctrine, was admitted into the Catholic Church in 2067.
the Senate today unanimously voted to hire the gentleman
Greenblatt, who will now be known to the world as Pope U
who provided the fake sign language interpretation at Nelson
Chaim, said he was "as stunned as anybody" when he heard the
Mandela's memorial as the Senate's official signer. In a joint
news from the golf course starter at his country club in Boca.
"Here I am in my backswing on the first tee and
statement, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and
Speaker of the House John Boehner stated that
the starter runs out screaming I'm the new pope!"
"nobody in America really understands what it is we
Upon hearing of his ascension into papal history,
actually do here in Washington, so we believe there's
Greenblatt said, "Hey, why not me? I've got as much
nobody more qualified to express that confusion for
guilt as any Catholic I know, and, for what it's worth,
our hearing-impaired citizens than Mr. Thamsanqa
I have a ton of great-looking skull caps:' Greenblatt
Jantjie." On his first official day on the Senate
was supposed to have joined the conclave at the
floor, Mr. Jantjie relayed a message on behalf of all
Vatican to vote on the replacement of Pope Bob, but
Americans by flipping Senate members the bird.
he had already committed to playing in his golf club's
invitational.
Oct. 1, 2047 ... Exactly 34 years to the day that it
initially rolled out, the HealthCare.gov website record-
While the identity of the newly elected pope is
Alan
ed its first error-free day thanks to the efforts of the
not
immediately revealed to the public, the College
Muskovitz
government's new head of Information Technology,
of
Cardinals
kind of tipped their hand that the new
Jewish News
12-year old Andrew Lipshitz of Greenwich, Conn.
pope
was
Jewish
when they agreed to add a touch of
Columnist
"I'm so proud to have been a part of finally getting the
blue to the white smoke released out of the Sistine
website to be 100-percent functional," said a beaming
Chapel's chimney. In the words of Pope U Chaim,
Lipshitz, a seventh-grader at Barack Obama Middle School in
"That was a mentshy thing to do:' Meanwhile, Pope U Chaim
Connecticut. "Handy Andy," as he's known to friends, is doubly
said his first order of business will be to find someone who can
happy because his rabbi just informed him that fixing the gov-
get the Vatican's new Papal Healthcare website to work right.
ernment's website also satisfied his mitzvah project requirement
Well, I'd say that's enough irreverence for my first column of
for his upcoming bar mitzvah. Speaking of religion ...
2014. See you next month!
April 11, 2084 ... The world of religion was rocked today
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee
with word coming out of Vatican City that, on the heels of the
and a regular guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760.
passing of Pope Bob IX, the College of Cardinals had selected
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.comand "Like" Al on Facebook.
its first-ever Jewish pope. It's Maury Greenblatt, a 77-year-old
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Jan. 2-8, 2014 I 1-7 Shevat 5774 I Vol. CXLIV, No. 22
Around Town
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Arts/Entertainment ...29
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World
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Columnist
Danny Raskin
As a former president of Federation's
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but a conversation with a current HFL
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The agency gives directly to those
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HFL's 98 percent repayment rate
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www.hfldetroit.org
248.723.8184
Shabbat Lights
Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 3, 4:54 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 4, 6:01 p.m.
Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 10, 5:01 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 11, 6:07 p.m.
Times are from Yeshiva Beth Yehudah calendar.
34
Cover page design: Michelle Sheridan.
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