COMMUNITY

H MAVEN

Dear Debra

ot a burning question? Need some advice? Send a
note to Dear Debra at deardebra@renmedia.us and
look for an answer in next month's edition.

C

Dear Debra: At a

recent newcomers'
luncheon, my seat
mate and I were
going through the
Debra Darvick
usual: What do you
do, how did you come to live here,
how many kids do you have ... ?My
seat mate shared news of his first two
children and then added, "We also had
a third daughter; she died some years
ago." I mumbled an "I'm so sorry." What
else could I have said to get through
the awkwardness?

— Missed an Opportunity
to Do Better

Dear Missed,
There is no greater loss than the
death of a child, and when meeting
someone who is living every parent's
worst nightmare, we often shut
down. Our social niceties follow suit.
Murmuring your sympathies was a
start. We seem to think that because
someone's child has died, the child is
off the parent's radar. Not at all.
You can use such situations to offer
the parent the opportunity to recall
his child's life. Perhaps ask the name
of the child who died; ask what her
interests were, what they enjoyed
doing together. Follow your seat
mate's lead. Some grieving parents
welcome the opportunity to talk
about their deceased child. Others
prefer to keep their sorrow closer to
the heart and to close friends.
But make no mistake, the grief over
such a loss lasts a lifetime; its public
expression may simply become
submerged over time.

Dear Debra: My husband and I have

been married for 41 years. He insists on
cutting his fingernails in the kitchen, at
the dinner table, when we are watch-
ing TV on the couch. How can I get him
to trim them somewhere else?

— It's Out of Hand

Dear Out,
If your hubby has been doing this
for 41 years, I fear the window for
change might have closed — old
dogs/new tricks ... Why not confis-
cate all the nail clippers in the house?
Next time he starts jonesing for a nail
trim, lead him to the bathroom with
said clipper dangling from your well-
manicured fingertip as bait. When
he is properly ensconced, hand it
over. Or why not turn this nasty habit
into a loving exchange? Offer him
a manicure with all the, uh, trim-
mings: bowl of warm soapy water,

www.redthreadmagazine.com

gentle cuticle brush, relaxing hand
massage with a lovely cream. Make
it so great that he'll never want to go
back to kitchen table routine. And if
all else fails, realize that you've dealt
with this unpleasant habit for four
decades plus; hope for another two
decades of him at your kitchen table.

Dear Debra: We have an adult daugh-

ter who did not go straight to graduate
school for her master's degree. In her
field, the advanced degree will make a
big difference in pay and responsibil-
ity. We understand her desire to take
some time off, and she says she intends
to go. She loves her entry-level job in
her field and has been there 1 1 /2 years.
How can we urge her to go now before
marriage and children might get in her
way?

— Unmasterful Urger

Dear Unmasterful,
You have already urged her to take
the more sage and dependable
route to financial and career stabil-
ity. It's not that you don't know how
to urge your daughter better; she is
simply not listening.
If you are supporting her in
part so that she can remain in this
entry-level job then, yes, it's time to
have a talk about her assuming full
responsibility for herself, grad school
included. If, however, she is self-
supporting, there is little you can, or
should, do. Your daughter has a job
in her field and loves it. How many
college graduates can say the same
these days?
Is your daughter fearful of grad
school debt? Thoug h you say she
loves her job, is she having second
thoughts about continuing in this
field? Is she leveraging the current
job for a better future in ways you
might not recognize? Ultimately, life
is the best teacher. She will attend
grad school when she is ready or
she won't. The consequences will be
hers to bear and the rewards hers to
enjoy.
The sages caution us to teach our
children to fish so they can one day
feed themselves. You have raised a
college graduate who has found a
viable job in her field.The size of the
fish she eats is now up to her.

Successful author and blogger Debra Darvick
is the author of "This Jewish Life: Stories of
Discovery, Connection and Joy"and "I Love
Jewish Faces." Darvick shares her unique take on
life, books and more at debradarvick.com .

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RED MEAD I January 2014 25

