family focus >> family counseling Helps Israet How You Doing? Getting past automatic responses. W ith the pace of everyday life, it's easy to fall into automatic communica- tion patterns. Even with those we care about, we talk more and say less than we wish. We all too frequently suc- cumb to saying what we think others expect to hear. In different situations it may be more expeditious to think and speak as others do, lessening the chance for disagree- ment. How do we get beyond these artificial constraints? How do we let others know we care about what they say and are committed to actually listening? One common example happens when we greet each other with the classic salutation, "How are you?" In the years before texting, Facebook or Twitter, we asked this because we truly wanted to know. Today, we have little interest in the actual response. Of course, we do not simply ignore the person when asked how we are. Instead, our few, often rote, responses range from the positive "doing great" to the unanticipated "bearing up" or "chillin'," culminating with the negative "Don't ask. You don't want to know." If someone offers an honest answer, we aren't sure how to respond. Is this a violation of protocol, an attempt at a deeper social contact? Do we feign interest to avoid appearing rude? Just the other day, I was surprised when an acquaintance responded with a long description of a recent incident and then ended by saying "thank you for asking." This indicated to me that doing so was considered unusual. As a result, I have decided to listen more when given detailed responses. Try this; you may be sur- prised at what you hear or learn. Why Did You Do That? Another example of formulaic inter- action can be seen when a child does something wrong. True to form, the parent asks: "Why did you do that?" The child's answer is the predictable: "I don't know." Many parents find this answer unacceptable, reacting to what appears to be an all-too-casual reply by berating, ridiculing or making I~ elpir.,c Me unfounded assumptions (reactions that may originate in the parent's own upbringing). But rather than exacerbate the troublesome situation, parents can use the child's misdeed to teach him or her how to think beyond "I don't know" Children often are oblivious to the link between prior events and subsequent consequences, acting primarily on impulse or opportunity. How parents respond can teach them how to assess potentially risky situa- tions and steer them away from future difficulties. Successful application of this learning may take time, increasing with a child's levels of maturity and experience. Another example is presumptive interaction — when someone holds so fast to hardened views and demands that you accept them without debate. The weakness of these arguments is evi- dent when they are repeated over and over again as if doing so will make unacceptable ideas convincing. When you hear a premise that can- not stand on its merits, how do you respond? Do you offer a polite non- response? Do you divert the discus- sion? Or do you become angry, blurt- ing out rejoinders, raising your voice or gesturing wildly? It is necessary to break through an impasse by interrupting any attempt at confrontation. To do so, lower your voice, smile, focus on the person and remain calm. This makes it easier to stand firm for your own beliefs while reducing the possibility that tensions will build. The goal is to encourage a mutual consideration of ideas that benefits everyone. Both children and adults can take on new strategies to improve how ideas are exchanged. If you can infuse discussions, even heated ones, with new ideas, the result will be increased knowledge sharing that thwarts unproductive standoffs. 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