COMMUNITY MAVEN Dear Debra G Thanksgiving Weekend at the DIA Puppet-Making Workshops Drop into our studios to make your own puppet to take home. Fre projects include tongue-depressor puppets, rod-bug puppets,and finger puppets. Education Wing, Friday through Sunday, 12-4 p. Family Sunday StorytellerJudy Sima lights up the holiday season with Hanukkah stories of miracles, menorahs, and magic dreidels. Lecture Hall, 2 p. Now On View Watch Me Move: The Animation Show, through January 5. Tickets at dia.org Guest of Honor: Caravaggio's Saint Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy, through January 12. Foto Europa: 1840 to Present, through April 27. General museum admission is free for residents of Wayne, Oakland and Macomb counties. DETROIT INSTITUTE OF ARTS 313 - 8 33 - 7 9 0 0 5200 Woodward Ave. .4= • ••••1111. • . — • .4.011hi t...wwwwfirmmilpomoyel oeFetainglq. Year-Round Swim Lessons! 4 months - 12 years of age 4:1 student-to-teacher ratio 30-minute weekly lessons This holiday give the gift oftrInr=10 At Goldfish, we start our swimmers at 4 months old! Your children are never too young to begin learning essential life skills they will carry with them forev Our pools are 90 degrees! Locations, times & details can be found on our website: goldfishswimschool.com LIKE US on Facebook! ri 1862810 Log on to JNonline.us giveaways • forums • calendars ot a burning question? Need some advice? Send a note to Dear Debra at deardebra@renmedia.us and look for an answer in next month's edition. Dear Debra: l am my mother's sole caregiver and did Debra Darvick everything I could to care for her in her own home until her dementia progressed to the point where a nurs- ing home was our only, and safest, option. As the only child, I continue to devote much time and energy to managing her care. Some friends and extended family think I should care for my mother in my home 24/7. Their comments weigh on me, especially because my mother rambles about "going home" all the time. How do I handle the guilt club? — Overburdened in Oakland County Dear Overburdened, First of all, you are to be commend- ed for caring for your mother with such devotion. Second of all, refer to first of all. Oh, these concerned friends and family! Next time they pipe up with worry over the quality of your moth- er's care, reply sweetly, "Oh, Caring Relative, thank you. May I add your name to the list of others who share your concern? Before I move Mom home, I want to be sure I can count on all of you to take six-hour shifts 24/7 to share the responsibility." That should help them hold their concerned tongues. As for the guilt club. Destroy your membership card. NOW! You are caring for your mother in the best and most loving way you know how. Your mom's"ramblings"about going home may sear your heart, but you have arranged the most appropriate situation for her sake and for yours. The Fifth Commandment instructs us to honor our mother and father. When members of the guilt club come to call, show them the door and remind yourself that you are honoring your mother each time you visit, field a call from the nurs- ing home, pay her bills and make sure her every need is tended to. Dear Debra: A long-time friend has always been a little on the needy side. She has family problems, major drama at work and a young son with special needs. She leans on me and often — calling me her "big sister," constantly asking for help, babysitting and favors. I have always been there for her. In the past two years I've had a couple of health scares, including a hip replacement. She never visited when I was post-surgery and when she did call, she dismissed my problems as nothing compared to her problems. I am tired of this one-sided friend- ship, but it stretches back to college years, and I don't want to cut her off completely. She lets me know she "ap- preciates" me, but when she calls me her "best friend," I cannot return the compliment. Any ideas? — Had Enough of Her Dear Had Enough, Of course you can't return the"com- pliment."She is not compliment- ing you but using an emotionally loaded phrase to keep you hooked and doing her bidding. No wonder you are tired of a relationship that you laudably recognize as one- sided. You give and she takes. And takes and takes. Too often, we women equate compassion for another's difficul- ties with marching orders to make it all better. Throw in the history and length of your relationship and a dash of guilt over your desire to call it quits, and you've gotten yourself into a quagmire of passive-aggres- sive manipulation. But there is a way out. The next time Little Miss Needy has another crisis for you to fix, simply tell her you are not available. Be firm and friendly. If they arise, quell those de- structive little inner voices whisper- ing that you are not being a good friend and how can you leave her to suffer. Be prepared for her to pitch a little-sister tantrum and start name calling. Stay resolute; remind yourself that this is the woman who never called after your surgery and minimized your own pain and suf- fering when she did get around to it. You don't have to cut her off com- pletely if that feels too final. But you can be scarce the next time Crisis Sister wants your help. The greatest gift you can give her is the oppor- tunity is to figure out her struggles from within. Successful author and blogger Debra Darvick is the author of This Jewish Life: Stories of Discovery, Connection and Joy and I Love Jewish Faces, Darvick shares her unique take on life, books and more at debradarvick.com. VISIT JNonline.us 38 December 2013 I RED MAD www.redthreadnnagazine.conn