COMMUNITY
MAVEN
Dear Debra
G
Thanksgiving Weekend at the DIA
Puppet-Making Workshops
Drop into our studios to make your own puppet to take home. Fre
projects include tongue-depressor puppets, rod-bug puppets,and
finger puppets. Education Wing, Friday through Sunday, 12-4 p.
Family Sunday
StorytellerJudy Sima lights up the holiday season with Hanukkah
stories of miracles, menorahs, and magic dreidels. Lecture Hall, 2 p.
Now On View
Watch Me Move: The Animation Show, through January 5.
Tickets at dia.org
Guest of Honor: Caravaggio's Saint Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy,
through January 12.
Foto Europa: 1840 to Present, through April 27.
General museum admission is free for residents of
Wayne, Oakland and Macomb counties.
DETROIT
INSTITUTE
OF ARTS
313 - 8 33 - 7 9 0 0
5200 Woodward Ave.
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— •
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t...wwwwfirmmilpomoyel
oeFetainglq.
Year-Round Swim Lessons!
4 months - 12 years of age
4:1 student-to-teacher ratio
30-minute weekly lessons
This holiday give the
gift oftrInr=10
At Goldfish, we start our swimmers at 4 months old!
Your children are never too young to begin learning
essential life skills they will carry with them forev
Our pools are 90 degrees!
Locations, times & details can
be found on our website:
goldfishswimschool.com
LIKE US on Facebook!
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giveaways • forums • calendars
ot a burning question? Need some advice? Send a
note to Dear Debra at deardebra@renmedia.us and
look for an answer in next month's edition.
Dear Debra: l am
my mother's sole
caregiver and did
Debra Darvick
everything I could
to care for her in
her own home until her dementia
progressed to the point where a nurs-
ing home was our only, and safest,
option. As the only child, I continue
to devote much time and energy to
managing her care.
Some friends and extended family
think I should care for my mother in
my home 24/7. Their comments weigh
on me, especially because my mother
rambles about "going home" all the
time. How do I handle the guilt club?
— Overburdened in
Oakland County
Dear Overburdened,
First of all, you are to be commend-
ed for caring for your mother with
such devotion.
Second of all, refer to first of all.
Oh, these concerned friends and
family! Next time they pipe up with
worry over the quality of your moth-
er's care, reply sweetly, "Oh, Caring
Relative, thank you. May I add your
name to the list of others who share
your concern? Before I move Mom
home, I want to be sure I can count
on all of you to take six-hour shifts
24/7 to share the responsibility."
That should help them hold their
concerned tongues.
As for the guilt club. Destroy your
membership card. NOW! You are
caring for your mother in the best
and most loving way you know how.
Your mom's"ramblings"about going
home may sear your heart, but you
have arranged the most appropriate
situation for her sake and for yours.
The Fifth Commandment instructs
us to honor our mother and father.
When members of the guilt club
come to call, show them the door
and remind yourself that you are
honoring your mother each time
you visit, field a call from the nurs-
ing home, pay her bills and make
sure her every need is tended to.
Dear Debra: A long-time friend has
always been a little on the needy
side. She has family problems, major
drama at work and a young son with
special needs. She leans on me and
often — calling me her "big sister,"
constantly asking for help, babysitting
and favors. I have always been there
for her.
In the past two years I've had a couple
of health scares, including a hip
replacement. She never visited when
I was post-surgery and when she did
call, she dismissed my problems as
nothing compared to her problems.
I am tired of this one-sided friend-
ship, but it stretches back to college
years, and I don't want to cut her off
completely. She lets me know she "ap-
preciates" me, but when she calls me
her "best friend," I cannot return the
compliment. Any ideas?
— Had Enough of Her
Dear Had Enough,
Of course you can't return the"com-
pliment."She is not compliment-
ing you but using an emotionally
loaded phrase to keep you hooked
and doing her bidding. No wonder
you are tired of a relationship that
you laudably recognize as one-
sided. You give and she takes. And
takes and takes.
Too often, we women equate
compassion for another's difficul-
ties with marching orders to make it
all better. Throw in the history and
length of your relationship and a
dash of guilt over your desire to call
it quits, and you've gotten yourself
into a quagmire of passive-aggres-
sive manipulation.
But there is a way out. The next
time Little Miss Needy has another
crisis for you to fix, simply tell her
you are not available. Be firm and
friendly. If they arise, quell those de-
structive little inner voices whisper-
ing that you are not being a good
friend and how can you leave her to
suffer.
Be prepared for her to pitch
a little-sister tantrum and start
name calling. Stay resolute; remind
yourself that this is the woman who
never called after your surgery and
minimized your own pain and suf-
fering when she did get around to it.
You don't have to cut her off com-
pletely if that feels too final. But you
can be scarce the next time Crisis
Sister wants your help. The greatest
gift you can give her is the oppor-
tunity is to figure out her struggles
from within.
Successful author and blogger Debra Darvick
is the author of This Jewish Life: Stories of
Discovery, Connection and Joy and I Love Jewish
Faces, Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.
VISIT JNonline.us
38 December 2013
I RED MAD
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