frontlines

Kanye + Kim: Enough Already!

A

few mazel toys are in order this week. I don't
know about you, but I'll never forget where I
was and what I was doing when I heard the
news that Kanye West asked Kim Kardashian to marry
him. I'm still kvelling.
It's a beautiful story of brooding rap star
with anger management issues meets girl
whose most famous "asset" is her tuchas.
Perfect, now these two can spend the rest
of their lives together both making
asses of them-
selves.
It's a double
mazel toy, really,
because the love
birds recently wel-
comed their first
child, a bouncing
baby girl they affectionately
named "North:' Yes, this love
child's legal name is North West, which begs the question:
If they have a second child, will they name him/her "South
West?" It would make sense for the kids to have airline
names because by the time they grow up, they'll certainly
have plenty of "baggage" to deal with.
On a related note, the tabloid magazine The Star reports
that Kim's stepfather, Bruce Jenner, the former Olympic hero
who is separated from Kim's mother, Kris, now desires to be
a woman. Yep, they're reporting he wants a sex change.
The magazine quotes a source who says, "Bruce has a
feminine side. He likes growing his hair out, likes getting
manicures and pedicures and won't leave his house without
his diamond earrings. And he's obsessed with plucking his
eyebrows!"
This is great news for Kanye West because now he has
the potential to hire his future father-in-law to dance at his
bachelor party.

JN CONTENTS

Other Stellar News
Saaaaay, have you heard? The government's new Affordable
Care Act website, healthcare.gov, is having some problems.
Bad news for Americans, but really great news for comedians.
It's a website built by a subsidiary of a Canadian firm
that will have to hire people from India and Pakistan
to man their help desk call centers, where they will
ask you to press 1 or 2 to talk to someone in Spanish
or English. I, for one, haven't tried to log-in to health-
care.gov yet. I'm already under enough stress trying to
figure out how to use "call waiting" on my iPhone.
Finally, allow me to indulge in some shameless pro-
motion. I'm excited and honored to be returning to
the stage as emcee for this year's A Night of Comedy
at the 62nd Annual Jewish Book Fair at 8:30 p.m. on
Saturday, Nov. 16, at the Jewish Community Center
in West Bloomfield. This year features Fred Stoller,
author of Maybe We'll Have You Back: The Life of a
Perennial TV Guest Star, Marion Gordon, who penned
Standing Up: A Memoir of a Funny (Not Always) Life;
and Mindy Raf, who scribed The Symptoms of My Insanity.
Reserve your tickets by Nov. 8 at (248) 432-5462.
The following night, Sunday, at 7 p.m., I'll hit the road with
Fred Stoller as he makes an appearance at the JCC of Greater Aim
Arbor's Jewish Book Festival. My sister and brother-in-law, Sharon
and Chuck Newman, are co-sponsors. Call (734) 971-0990.
Because my deadline is before I know the outcome, let me
say that it will be great to be in Ann Arbor, especially after
my Spartans defeated the Wolverines this past Saturday, OR,
it will be great to be in Ann Arbor despite the fact that the
Wolverines defeated my Spartans last Saturday, by cheating.
I'm off now to buy an engagement present for Kim and Kanye
— two pacifiers for them to use. I'd rather hear their new baby
cry all day long than hear another word out of those two!

❑

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and

emcee. His website is laughwithbigaLcom and "Like" Al on Facebook.

theJEWISHNEWS,L,

Out To Eat
52
Points Of View
55
Sports
71
75
Spotlight
Staff Box/Phone List ...6
Synagogue List
58
Torah Portion
57

Shabbat Lights

Shabbat: Friday, Nov. 8, 4:59 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Nov. 9, 6:01 p.m.

Shabbat: Friday, Nov.15, 4:52 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Nov.16, 5:55 p.m.

Columnists

Alan Muskovitz .... 3,22
Danny Raskin
70

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in commercial real estate, in particular
with apartment complexes along
Jefferson Avenue and the Detroit
River. He also was a philanthropist
who believed in higher education,
so when he put part of his wealth in
trust to create a Foundation, the
first of its directives was to give
money to educational ventures.
"The Milton M. Ratner Foundation
establishes college and university
scholarships, and helps people
continue their education," said
Foundation Trustee and Treasurer
Terri Thorn. "Establishing the
Milton M. Ratner Education Fund
at Hebrew Free Loan goes very
well with that purpose." The fund
will assist current students who are
looking for the money to finish school,
and those who want to return to
school for advanced degrees, or to
take classes or training required for
their jobs, which Terri says fits with
what's happening in the ever-
changing economic landscape.
"Mr. Ratner was very generous
throughout his lifetime, but quietly
and privately so," Terri said. "When
he died in 1968, he left the
Foundation to continue to help
others after he was gone."

Click. Call. Give Now.
www.hfidetroit.org
248.723.8184

Nov. 7-13, 2013 I 4-10 Kislev 5774 I Vol. CXLIV, No. 14

Ann Arbor
1, 12-13
Arts/Entertainment . . .63
Calendar
25
Food
68
27
Gift Guide
Israel ... 12, 20, 55, 60, 87
Letters
5
Life Cycles
72
Marketplace
76
Metro
8
59
Next Generation
83
Obituaries
Out & About
65

411.

Milton M. Ratner made his living

Page design: Michelle Sheridan.

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Health. A fresh start.
A good education.
The next great business idea.

Hebrew Free Loan gives interest-
free loans to members of our
community for a variety of
personal and small business
needs. HFL loans are funded
entirely through community
donations which continually
recycle to others, generating
many times the original value
to help maintain the lives of
local Jews.

HEB REW
FREE * LOAN

hflcletroit.org

We Provide Loans. We Promise Dignity.

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6- ‘Jewlstaer;a,1

November 7 • 2013

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