ETCETERA
NIGHTCAP
The 1,000 Proctologist March
By Harry Kirsbaum
eeling good.
So the next Washington, D.C.,
shutdown/showdown has been
delayed until Jan. 15, and another
debt ceiling brink-of-disaster scenar-
io is held off until Feb. 7. I do not care.
So what if the last 16-day shut-
down cost taxpayers $24 billion.
So what if President Obama's latest
approval rating, according to a Gal-
lup Poll, dipped to 44.5 percent.
So what if approval of Congress is
12 percent, according to the latest
ABC News/Washington Post poll.
So what if CNN will be forced to
use their countdown clock again and
compose new theme music when we
near that next deadline.
So what if journalists will have
to think of another"kick the can
down the road" cliche when the deal
Congress makes early next year is
another temporary fix.
So what if Congress will be in ses-
sion for a whopping 17 days between
Halloween and New Year's Eve, mak-
ing the likelihood for progress on this
or any other issue the same as Rush
Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow shar-
ing a kiss to welcome in the new year.
So what to all of this? Because at
my wife's urging, I had a colonoscopy
earlier today for the first time in eight
years.
After a day of drinking Gatorade
laced with Miralax, swallowing
Dulcolax and spending quality time
in the bathroom, my digestive tract
is clear.
In fact, the photo of my colon
could be used as a graduation
picture, if I were graduating from
something.
I still have traces of a Midazolam/
Fentanyl I.V. cocktail coursing
through my brain, and it is in this
light fog that I have found total clar-
ity.
What happens in the Beltway
affects us all, and when everyone
agrees that what's happening now
is driving us all into the ground, we
need to think, not outside the box,
but inside the colon.
Imagine a group of patriotic, dedi-
cated proctologists from around the
country marching into Washington,
holding signs that read "Get Your
Heads Out Of Our Area Of Expertise
And Do Your Job:'
Imagine them offering each of
the 535 members of Congress, and
a few of their senior staff members,
a free colonoscopy, as long as it's on
the same morning, and then they
meet in session later that same day
to make a deal on one major bill,
whether it's health care, the debt ceil-
ing or the budget.
Imagine each member of Congress
agreeing.
Imagine them sharing the same re-
sponse to these wonderful l.V. drugs
that I had, and with that type
of foggy clarity deciding that
maybe it's best to find some
sort of middle ground.
That by sharing one an-
other's "graduation" photos,
they would realize they are
all basically the same — pink
and tubular.
Imagine Walter Reed Hos-
pital opening a new Congres-
sional Colon Wing to perform
the procedures, which I think should
be done annually, because they are,
after all, in Congress.
Imagine the feeling of purpose
these proctologists would have by
serving their country, by healing
some, looking into the souls of a few
others, and knowing that in their
own way, they have helped heal a
broken legislative body.
And imagine CNN's"Countdown
to Colonville" clock, and Wolf Blitzer's
"Blue Colon/Red Colon" reporting on
that"Magic
And even if it doesn't work, we're
forcing Congress to at least one night
a year of total discomfort.
Feeling good, indeed.
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November 2013 39