etro >> parenting
Saying You're Sorry
And Meaning It
ZIONIST ORGANIZATION OF AMERICA
MICHIGAN REGION
79th Annual I
I Balfour Celebration I
I Sunday, November 10, 2013 I 7:00 PM. I
Congregation Shaarey Zedek
Honoring
Janice and Martin
Stoneman
with the Justice Louis Brandeis Award
and
Honoring the Memory of
Donald E. Van Curler
with the Friend of Israel Leadership Award
I
I
WITH A SPECIAL PRESENTATION
BY AWARD-WINNING AUTHOR
AND DOCUMENTARY MAKER
Steven Emerson
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF
THE INVESTIGATIVE PROJECT ON TERR011211
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W
e all know that the right
to him as a "bad boy," but it had just
thing to do when we hurt
slipped out. I was angry. I lost my
someone is to say we are
way. I needed to admit it.
sorry. Sometimes it can
I turned around while
be more difficult than
my husband drove, begged
expected.
him to look me in the eye
There are a lot of
... He wouldn't. His words:
emotions that go into
"I won't love you anymore
approaching someone and
... I want a new mommy."
taking ownership of your
Me: "Please forgive me;
behavior and choices. As
I was wrong. I shouldn't
adults we take for granted
have said that. I made a
the years of practice it
mistake and didn't mean
took us to get to the point
it. I still love you!"
Rebecca Zusel
where we could access
He cried, looked away
those skills more readily.
and said the best thing he
So imagine being a tod-
could have ever said, "I
dler being "told" to say "I'm sorry."
will think about it."
Is there really meaning in those
Tears welled in my eyes; my heart
words without the hundreds of days
broke. I did not have his forgiveness,
of practice that an adult has? Should
but I had done right by him as a par-
parents really force their children into ent.
an apology even if the child becomes
We are not always ready to say our
silent, withdrawn or defiant?
apologies. We don't always do it when
These questions are asked all the
it's socially appropriate or when
time in therapy, parenting groups
someone else wants us to. And
and amongst friends.
the same goes for forgiveness; it
Ask any two
has to be on our time — when
people and you
•
we are ready, when it actually
has meaning.
could get any
two answers on
But the real moral is
what the "right"
something way
more impor-
thing to do is. So
rather than detail
tant. Every
all the differ-
single thing
ent choices
you do as a
that are best
parent/per-
for parents to
son teaches
make, I will
your child what to
draw on my
do, how to do it and
own anec-
when to do it.
dotal research. I
I taught him that.
believe in practicing what you preach, He is watching me. He knows that
when his mom makes a mistake, she
so here goes:
While my husband drove my mini-
takes ownership for it. He also knows
van and two of my three children in
that forgiveness must be earned.
the car, I kept comfortable in the
It is a heavy responsibility if you
passenger seat. My youngest, a boy
really sit with it, parenting. You are
their first teacher, first model, first
almost 4, was being very unsafe and
threatening to unbuckle his seatbelt.
everything, and, even if you disap-
He was grabbing at his 7-year-old
point them, there is always room for
sister and making the entire drive
an apology.
difficult.
Rebecca K. Zusel, LMSW, is a licensed
As I became anxious I turned
master social worker, advocate for
around and said he was a "bad
families with special needs children,
boy." Just as I said that, I knew I
private practice psychotherapist in
was wrong; he had never heard me
Novi and mother of three. Rebecca®
use those words toward him. I have
scolded my daughters for referring
ahand2help.com
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ZOA is a 501(c) (3) non-profit organization. I
Contributions are tax deductible as permitted by law.
1,10
26 September 12 • 2013
Teaching the difference between an
authentic apology and true forgiveness.