frontlines High Holiday Pressure Is On M y Jewish News arrives on Thursdays. If that holds true for you this week, then you're in receipt of my column on ... the first full day of Rosh Hashanah! Oy! That gives me shpilkus. Me? Writing a column on the High Holidays? How did this get by my esteemed editors? Wouldn't this space have been better served by a more scholarly journalist who could impart words of wisdom on our Jewish New Year? Someone who doesn't have to use a thesaurus to sound more smarter? (I feel like I just wrote a nasty letter to the editor ... about myself!) Alan Stuck with this awesome responsibil- Muskovitz ity has only made me appreciate more Jewish News the pressure our rabbis face in prepar- Columnist ing their holiday sermons. Let's face it, a High Holiday sermon is the Jewish ver- sion of a State of th e Union address. A rabbi doesn't want to be a singles hitter on Rosh Hashanah. They have to swing for the fences. Calling Rabbi Cabrera to the bimah. I'd rather deliver a speech to a joint session of Congress than a full house of dues- paying synagogue members. Tough crowd. We hang on our rabbis' every word during their sermons. It's the single most important part of the holiday service, if you don't include getting out of the shul parking lot. A tip of my yarmulke to our rabbis because most of the time they do deliver in the clutch. But the pressure. The same pressure I'm feeling right now, some 300 words into my column, and still not a trace of wisdom or inspiration to be found. While I try to think of something profound, let me share this. With the Day of Atonement on the horizon, I'm wondering how a couple of Jews in particular will be judged this year. Anthony Weiner. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall during God's Book of Life review session. "He did what with what?!" JN CONTENTS I can hear God bel- low. Oh, Anthony, you put the twit in Twitter. If Anthony Weiner does get written into the Book of Life, my Ryan Braun Anthony Weiner money says God uses invisible ink. Can you imagine, this guy was actually the leading contender to become New York's next mayor?! If you think God was tough when he didn't let Moses into the Promised Land, I can only imagine what he has in store for the Wein-man. Then there's Milwaukee Brewers baseball player Ryan Braun, the son of a Jewish father, and he also identifies as Jewish. He lied about using performance-enhancing drugs and has been suspended by baseball for 65 games. How will he be judged on Yom Kippur? I just hope the headlines don't read: "Braun tests positive for breaking fast early!" Here's some advice, Ryan: On Yom Kippur, pull out two photographs, one of Hank Greenberg and one of Sandy Koufax. No words necessary, just those two images alone should send a message. By the way, if my research serves me well — and by research, I mean I spent all of 20 seconds Googling — Greenberg and Koufax both sat out post-season games that fell on the High Holidays. Oy, such nice boychiks. Ryan, you should be so good. Oh gee, don't look now but my word count for this month's column has been exhausted! Shucks. I guess I'll have to leave it up to your rabbi to motivate you this High Holiday season. I'm off the hook! Only enough words left to say, rshanah tovah tikatevu! Imagine a world without hate: We do. ❑ Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and "Like" Al on Facebook. theJEWISHNEWS nom Sept. 5-11, 2013 I 1-7 Tishrei 5774 I Vol. CXLIV, No. 5 Shabbat and Holiday Lights Ann Arbor 36, 51 Around Town 32 Arts/Entertainment ...59 Calendar 43 64 Food Dining Around the D . 40 High Holidays 46 Israel . 1,5, 8, 36, 48, 50 Letters 5 Life Cycles 68 71 Marketplace Metro 8 Next Generation 55 Obituaries 78 Out & About 61 Points Of View 50 Sports 67 Staff Box/Phone List ...6 Synagogue List 54 Torah Portion 53 Rosh Hashanah: Wednesday, Sept. 4, 7:43 p.m. Thursday, Sept 5, 8:43 p.m. Columnist Yom Kippur: Friday, Sept. 13, 7:27 p.m. Holiday Ends: Saturday, Sept 14 8:26 p.m. Danny Raskin 66 Shabbat Shuvah: Friday, Sept. 6, 7:39 p.m. Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Sept. 7, 8:39 p.m. Fast of Gedalyah: Sunday, Sept. 8, 5:53 a.m - 8:37 p.m. Times are from Yeshiva Beth Yehudah calendar. AOC® 100 Join us. 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