Old Before
His Time
I
've always been old beyond my
years. The fact is, my metamor-
phosis into an elderly Jewish
man began as early as fourth grade.
By my bar mitzvah, I was already
hiking up my pants. Get the picture?
And you
won't find better
evidence of my
early develop-
ment as an "Old
Jewish Man"
persona than in
the following let-
ters I sent to my
folks from Camp
Tanuga back in
the mid-1960s.
Alan
So sit back, grab
Muskovitz
yourself
a tall
Jewish News
glass
of
Ensure
Columnist
and enjoy.
Dear Mom and Dad,
The bus ride to camp was fine,
although I started getting shpilkes
after four hours because I couldn't find
anybody to play bridge. Plus my sciatic
nerve is starting to act up from sitting
so long. I know, I know, that should
be the worst thing to happen to me all
summer. Poo, poo.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Camp is great! Although you
wouldn't have known it last week. I
ended up in the infirmary twice. The
first time for chest pains. Turns out it
was only a pulled muscle from using
too heavy of a baseball bat. Then yes-
terday I had trouble, you'll forgive me,
"passing water:' I know I'm only 10
years old, but I was concerned it was
my prostate. Unfortunately, the visiting
camp doctor this week is a dentist, so
I'll live with it. What good is kvetch-
ing going to do? Anyway, it's time for
swimming, and I haven't put in my ear
and nose plugs. Oy, what it takes to get
ready for a facacta jump in the water.
Don't ask!
Dear Mom and Dad,
Exciting news! I won a gold medal
in the 100-yard shlep! I hope you're
levelling. What a difference those new
orthotics made! And you won't believe
who took me to the Sadie Hawkenstein
Dance?! Sylvia Goldberg! She may be
11 years old now, but she hasn't lost
her looks. Between you and me, I
think she had some work done. Word
around the flagpole is she had braces.
Call me crazy, but I think Sylvia will
one day be the mother of my children;
they should live and be well, poo, poo.
Gotta go; time to make s'mores around
the campfire. I had to send mine back
twice last night because they burned
the marshmallows. For the money
you're paying, is it too much to ask to
have my s'mores made right? Oy!
JN CONTENTS
Dear Mom and Dad,
I can't believe I'm coming home
tomorrow! Just as well. Yesterday I
was shvitzing like a chaser, so they
made me take salt pills, even though
I told my S.O.B. counselor I'm on a
low-sodium diet. Now I'm blown up
like a balloon. Heading off for my last
boat ride. So help me, they better not
make me water ski again. For heaven's
sake, I'm not 9 years old anymore!
But I am excited about tonight's end-
of-camp banquet. I ordered a fruit
plate for dessert instead of ice cream.
That's all I need is for my lactose
intolerance to ruin my last night.
Such tsuris I have from that. See you
tomorrow, God willing.
Love,
Alan
P.S. Remember your homecoming
promise — Darbys for dinner! I can
taste their mushroom barley soup
already! Or maybe it's just the after-
taste from my antibiotics.
P.P.S. Is campfire smoke consid-
ered secondhand smoke? I know, now
he asks. Go raise children!
❑
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/
acting talent, speaker and emcee. Visit
his website at laughwithbigal.com and
"Like" Al on Facebook.
theJEWISHNEWS.com
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Danny Raskin
Shabbat Lights
Shabbat: Friday, Aug. 2, 8:33 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Aug. 3, 9:38 p.m.
Shabbat: Friday, Aug. 9, 8:24 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Aug. 10, 9:28 p.m.
Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth
Yehudah calendar.
Columnist
36
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president of Hebrew Free Loan in
1993, the first woman to do so.
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I was one leader among others, of an
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such as Building My Tomorrow and
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"As an individual, I led a sheltered
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who need help to get past a reversal
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