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Dear Debra
K
eep those letters and troubles coming! No problems
of your own? Send along your neighbor's, friend's or
relative's tsuris to DearDebra@renmedia.us Anonymity
assured.
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Dear Debra: I am
planning my oldest
child's bar mitzvah.
What are the guest
Debra Darvick
list protocols? I
would like to keep
the list down, yet I don't want anyone
insulted. Aside from our own friends,
am I supposed to invite my parents'
and in-laws' friends? My mother is con-
tinuously being invited to her friends'
grandchildrens' simchahs. First cousins
and their children? Second cousins?
Where does it start and stop?
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Dear New Planner,
Like stones dropped into a river,
guest lists keep on rippling. You
do not have to invite your parents'
friends just because they have been
invited to their friends' grandkids'
simchahs. See how those apostro-
phes add up? If said friends fall into
the "like family" category, then by all
means invite them. Same if you are
sibling-close with your first, or even
second, cousins. But shared DNA
alone does not warrant an RSVP. As
for not wanting to insult anyone —
admirable, but out of your control.
This is your family's celebration of
your son's reaching a milestone in
Jewish life. Focus on the joy and sur-
round yourselves with people who
have meant the most to you and
your family over the years.
Dear Debra: Our dog recently killed our
neighbor's cat. We have a sturdy fence
with a locked gate. We had repeatedly
asked our neighbor to keep the cat
from jumping into our yard (from an
adjacent tree). Our dog is well-trained
and gentle, but instincts are instincts,
and we wanted to avoid just this situa-
tion. Although we do not see ourselves
(or our dog) at fault, we still feel awful.
What can we do? Nein Lives
Dear Nein,
Much of the biblical dictates and
subsequent rabbinic literature
address ownership of non-farm
animals and the remuneration owed
should one's ox wander and dam-
age a neighbor's property. Little, if
anything, mentions wandering cats.
Jewish law permits the ownership of
non-farm animals, especially dogs,
with the caveat that they are not
"evil" i.e. barkers and biters. The Tal-
mud was concerned with the poten-
tial damage dogs could do and thus
advocated that they be kept securely
chained. Rashi wrote that ownership
of dogs that were kofri (small dogs or
large hunting dogs that do no harm)
was permissible.
Your situation is somewhat differ-
ent in that a cat wandered onto your
property and was killed by a kofri
dog that was in essence"chained"via
your sturdy fence and locked gate.
You didn't mention if your neighbor
holds you and your dog liable (a
stretch of the imagination since your
dog was within your well-fenced
property, and you had warned her
to keep her cat from straying.) When
and if your neighbor gets a new cat,
you might offer to pay for its shots
or perhaps give a gift certificate to
a local pet store. You did everything
within reason as a responsible pet
owner. The onus is on the neighbor
to do the same.
Dear Debra: Many years ago, I saw
someone whom I knew slightly having
what looked like an intimate lunch
with someone. We have now become
friends with this person and the spouse
through mutual interests. Do I keep my
mouth shut or let the spouse know?
Tete-a-Tete
Dear Tete,
Despite appearances, you can't know
if you witnessed a full-blown affair or
the first blush of what may or may not
have developed into something more.
Or nothing more than a lunch be-
tween friends or business associates.
As for telling the spouse, it would
be more than prudent to keep mum.
You have no way of knowing what
your friends' marriage has weathered
since then. Perhaps the spouse con-
fessed or was found out. If so, fences
may now be mended better than
ever, and your news would dredge
up pain best left alone. Perhaps the
injured spouse knew all along and
chose to let whatever was going on
run its course. Perhaps the wanderer
cleaned up his/her act indepen-
dently of being found out. And if that
long-ago lunch was indeed innocent,
you don't want to be holding the
opener of that can of worms, do you?
Best to enjoy your time with this
couple in the present, support them
warmly and let whatever happened
— or didn't happen — years ago,
stay in the past. R1
Debra Darvick is the author of This Jewish
Life: Stories of Discovery, Connection and
Joy and I love Jewish faces. Read more at
debradarvick.com.
AGGRESSIVE PRICING ON A WIDE SELECTION OF APPLIANCES
36 August2013 I
RD MAD
www.redthreadmagazine.com