COMMUNITY
JEWFRO
Detroit's x games
RED THREAD
D
owntown Detroit will not be the
host of the Summer X Games.
To local surprise and chagrin,
ESPN chose Austin as the home for
the games for at least three years,
after 11 in Los Angeles.
For anyone not xtreme enough
to be familiar with the games, they
offer a series of adjudicated events
with moves that include the Can
Can, Nac Nac,
Cliffhanger,
Nothing, Coffin
and Lazy Boy,
Dead Body,
Double Grab,
Hart Attack,
Indian Air, Kiss
of Death, No
Footer, Rock
Solid, Rodeo
Air, Stale Fish
(aka Saran
Wrap), Steril-
izer, Suicide
Can, Super-
man, Surfer, Tsunami, Benihana,
Hellpop, Madonna (see also Sean
Penn), McTwist, Melancholy (aka
Melon), Stalefish, Blunt to Fakie,
Jack-in-da-box, Nose Pick, Pogo,
Staple Gun, Thruster, Jolly Mamba,
Broken Fingers, Casper, Anti-Casper,
Casper Disaster, etc.
You get the idea.
ESPN's Texas mess-up misses the
point entirely: Detroit is an x game.
I'm not suggesting that Detroit is
as dangerous or disorienting as a
Casper or Anti-Casper, let alone a
Casper Disaster. For all its bumps
and bruises, Detroit is a much safer
city than its reputation suggests.
Instead, there is an endearing, elec-
tive extremeness to elements of liv-
ing, working and playing in Detroit.
And it's not in a spectator sport,
so get in the game...
1. General Lafayette. Go directly
to Lafayette Coney Island. Do not
go to any other Coney Island. Do
not ask for a menu. Do not ask them
to hold the mustard or onions.
Make friends with the strangers sit-
ting next to you. Balance two forks
on two toothpicks on a salt shaker.
Order a tall pour of milk, especially
if you are lactose intolerant. Do not
try to pay by credit card.
2. People Moving. Hop off at
every station to spy the extremely
beautiful art and get back on before
the train pulls away. For added
degree of difficulty, go down the up
escalator. Really feeling adventur-
ous? Get off at a station other than
the one you got on at.
3. Crossing Jefferson. Just try
crossing Jefferson downtown
www.redthreadmagazine.com
before the light changes. It's really
hard.
4. Rollin' on the River. Less than
50 years after Time magazine de-
clared Lake Erie dead, you can take
to the water upstream on the De-
troit River. Detroit River Sports will
rent you a kayak, canoe or paddle
board. Head into international
waters as fast as your arms will carry
you. Just don't be too hasty about
leaving your good job in the city.
5. Jive Turkey. Every year,
thousands of runners material-
ize at Cobo Hall in the wee hours
of Thanksgiving morning for the
Tradition Before the Tradition,
many in heritage costumes includ-
ing pilgrims and SpongeBobs. But
if you really want a thrill — and a
little help medalling — try running
the Turkey Trot in head-to-toe Ohio
State regalia.
6. Go Rogue avec Le Rouge.
Detroit's most extreme sport these
days is soccer. Not playing soccer,
mind you — the no-hands rule from
BHYSL still applies — but watching
it. Detroit FC's Northern Guard, the
most feared support squad in all of
the National Premier Soccer League,
liberally distributes smoke bombs
and swear words as their boys run
roughshod over the competition at
Cass Tech. (See detcityfc.com .)
7. Two-Wheel Fraternity. Cycling
around Detroit is increasingly
unextreme, with places to rent
and repair and a bountiful bevy of
bright bike lanes. To spice things up
(and cool them off), ride through
the fountain on the Riverwalk.
Then, on Aug. 28, bike up to West
Grand Boulevard to see Pee-Wee's
Big Adventure (newcenterpark.com )
Think you're extreme? Try not to
look away for"Be sure and tell 'em
Large Marge sent ya!"
8. Lions and Tigers and You. On
Aug. 22, the Tigers host the Twins
at 1:08 p.m. and the Lions host the
Patriots (preseason, but still) at
7:30 p.m. Go to both games back
to back and make sure you have
appropriate attire for each. Park for
free a few blocks away—just not
in my spot on Grand River west of
Cass. Time permitting, load up on
garlicky food at Bucharest Grille;
your seatmates won't object to your
breath as long as you're cheering
like a champ. Oh my.
AvirinagAleY
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RED THREAD I August 2013 33