ONE-DAY SAMPLE SALE ON SELECTED
WEDDING GOWNS
COMMUNITY
MAVEN
JUNE 29
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE
I
Dear Debra
n
eed some advice? Send your request to
DearDebra@renmedia.us , and be sure to look for
Debra's reply in the next Red Thread.
Dear Debra: I was
recently invited to
a wedding for a
Debra Da rvick
couple, both in their
50s. It is the second
marriage for each of them. I don't
want to offend anyone by giving either
too much or too little as a gift. Is a
monetary gift even appropriate? The
couple sent no information regarding
a bridal registry. What's a guest to do?
To Gift or Not to Gift
Dear To Gift,
ROMA SPOSA
BRIDAL
708 N. OLD WOODWARD AVE
I
BIRMINGHAM
1 MI 1 480091248.723.43001 ROMASPOSA.COM
Hidden
Treasure
Discovered in Oakland Counts
Elegant estate jewelry and
beautiful one-of-a-kind pieces can
Imagine the riff George Carlin would
have done on the"stuff"of second-
time marrieds!
A gift for those remarrying is
not a requirement. However, your
desire to acknowledge their mar-
riage with something tangible is as
understandable as it is generous.
You could give the couple a certifi-
cate to their favorite restaurant. Or
consider joining with mutual friends
and order three/six/12 months of
flowers to arrive on each month's an-
niversary. A gift of money would not
be appropriate. If they are throwing
themselves a wedding, they surely
have the means to meet their own
expenses. But a donation to their fa-
vorite charity would also be a lovely
gesture.
Dear Debra: I have wonderful in-laws
be yours for less than you would imagine
— supportive, loving and not intrusive.
They are very involved in Jewish com-
munity organizations. Even though
they are not pushing my husband
and me to get involved, I feel that the
expectation is there, which makes me
feel inadequate and also that I may be
disappointing them.
Right now, my husband and I are
focusing on our careers, (growing
family, etc.) and enjoying not being
in school. How do I show my in-laws
that I respect what they are doing, but
that this may not be the life that we
choose, without disappointing them
or not meeting their expectations?
Non-Committal
Dear Non,
33700 Woodward Ave. • between 11- Mile & Lincoln • birmin
2+8 -64-4-- 8565
36 July 2013 I
rap TrntrilD
a
How fortunate you are to have sup-
portive, loving, non-intrusive in-laws.
And they are not even pushing you
and your husband to follow their
lead and match their involvement
in Jewish community organizations!
They indeed sound like wonderful
stand-up folks.
The bigger issue seems to be your
own inner conversation and ambiva-
lence about not being as involved
as they are. It is laudable that you
do not want to disappoint your
in-laws, but do you know for a fact
that they are actually disappointed
in you? They already know that Jew-
ish communal volunteerism is not
the life you are choosing because
you and your husband are focusing
elsewhere, which is your right as an
adult married couple.
As for showing respect for their
efforts, listen actively when they
choose to share their latest project
and maybe even ask how they got
involved, what they love most, etc. If
they ask you to attend an event on
occasion, make time to join them.
You sound like a caring, sensi-
tive daughter-in-law. Let go of the
anxiety over doing as they do and,
instead, maintain genuine interest
in their efforts. And stay open to
the entire concept of Jewish com-
munity organizations. You and your
husband may one day want to get
involved with volunteer efforts as
a family. At that point, your in-laws
will be a valuable resource and an
enthusiastic source of support and
approbation.
A Mea Culpa
In last month's column, Day School
Dad wrote about the struggle he and
his wife were having over sending
their kids to Jewish day school. In
advising that home ritual and sum-
mer camp can also steep children in
Jewish values, rhythms and values, I
partially missed the mark. Dr. Melissa
Ser, Director of Congregational
Learning at Adat Shalom Synagogue
in Farmington Hills, filled in an im-
portant piece of the equation:
"Synagogue schools educate the
whole family in a supplementary
environment that might meet the
family's needs better. Day school is
not the only option for a vibrant and
full Jewish education, especially if the
family is actively engaged in Judaism,"
Ser wrote.
Thank you, Dr. Ser, for keeping
me on my toes, and providing solid
advice and perspective on an issue
debated by many families. RT
A successful author and blogger, Debra
Darvick is Red Thread's advice columnist.
The author of the books "This Jewish Life:
Stories of Discovery, Connection and Joy"
and " I love Jewish faces,"
Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com .
www.redthreadmagazine.com