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20
May 23 • 2013
amily counseling
Comfort Zones,
Personal Radar
And Red Flags
W
Reg. $599 - $100 OFF - 1st
>>
e establish comfort zones
around most aspects of
our lives. They monitor
our world, maintain a sense of stabil-
ity and alert us to potential dangers.
When something is awry,
a comfort zone acts like
radar, taking in warning
signals, then sending out
red flags, alerting us that
something is out of sync.
Our gut instinctively
reacts to an imminent
threat even before our
mind does. Often, there
is not enough time to sort
through our feelings or
thoughts. When present-
ed with a disconcerting
situation, as when some-
one intrudes into our personal space
or we are jostled in a crowded store,
our radar points out what hurdles
must be overcome and what decisions
must be made to protect ourselves. In
such situations, some people create a
defensive space that can
become overly precau-
tionary. Easily imagined
worries can influence our
critical choices and out-
comes.
Consider this example:
You need to ask someone to
do a task for you because you
are too busy. If that person has
complied willingly before, few,
if any, red flags will appear. You
will feel confident making your
request. If, on the other hand, you
are uncertain about what the per-
son's response will be (perhaps he
or she was unaccommodating in the
past), explicit red flags will material-
ize. You may then reconsider whether
or how to ask. If you ignore the red
flags, the results (usually negative) will
inform you about the importance of
paying attention to these instincts.
Some people avoid pushing beyond
their comfort zones. Even a small per-
ceived worry produces many red flags,
triggering anxiety. I have a friend
who needs to feel in control. To keep
apprehension at bay when he is not
in, he limits himself to a travel radius
of about 3 miles; this gets him to the
grocery store, bowling alley and gas
station. His biggest fear is that he will
never be able breach this self-imposed
boundary to be able to visit friends
or attend concerts or ball games. He
demands a logical explanation of
this dilemma. However, a reasoned
solution will continue to elude him
because his problem is rooted in emo-
tion, not logic.
In my career, I have coun-
seled many who, despite being
aware of their own red flags,
will bypass or ignore them
anyway. For some reason, they
avoid any rational assessment
of what these flags signify,
even though past experience
reminds them of the emotional
or social peril that can result.
One frequent example of
this denial occurs to people
in developing relationships.
Some red flags, one would
think, are easily recognized,
such as out-of-control yelling, hitting
or breaking precious objects. Such hos-
tile acts would surely incline a person
to make a pragmatic decision, whether
it is to flee, seek counseling or fight
back. Yet, too many people disregard
these clues. Instead, they repetitively
search for
justification
for their
poor choices.
They try to convince
themselves (and others)
that somehow the evidence
has been misinterpreted. They will
rationalize that people, after all, can
change over time, or somehow this
was just an isolated event. In reality,
such denial will more likely portend
the loss of self-respect and trust in
others, further restricting future
comfort zones.
Valuing comfort zones, radar and
red flags as guides can help get you
through difficult circumstances.
Becoming attuned to them will teach
you how to interpret and respond to
their messages. When you succeed at
incorporating these into your daily life,
you can honestly say: "Based on my
well-considered input, I have chosen
this course of action and approved this
outcome. I, consequently, believe all
will work out well:'
You can take comfort in that.
❑
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social
worker at Counseling Associates Inc.
in West Bloomfield, where he counsels
children, teens and adults experiencing
family or personal psychological problems.
Reach him at (248) 626-1500.