frontlines
How The Exodus
Might Go Today
p
assover is fast approaching. The holiday com-
mences on March 25, which on the Jewish calen-
dar is the 14th day of the month of Nisan; not to
be confused with Nissan, which was a major manufacturer
of luxury chariots back in 1445 B.C.E.
On to that defining moment when Moses came down
As we celebrate our Exodus, we should be thankful that so
from the mountain top, having just received the Ten
much has changed over the centuries and that we are now
Commandments from God. If that happened today, Moses
BFFs, Best Friends Forever, with Egypt! Anyway, I got to
would observe a "slightly" different scene. Instead of baring
thinking, what would it be like if God had delayed our free-
witness to the scandal of Israelites worshipping an idol, he
dom out of slavery until today?
would be equally traumatized by our people trying out for
First of all, the Exodus would've been so much easier
American Idol. But, fear not, today God would no doubt be
on Moses. That 40-year shlep through the desert would be
added as a judge, ensuring that the very best of the "Chosen"
reduced by decades with the advent of On-Star and Google
people would be voted through to Hollywood.
Maps providing better directions. Both services
Finally, one big question remains: If our people
now available in Jewish versions called On-Star
were not freed from Egypt until today, would God
of David and Kugel Maps.
still forbid Moses from entering the Promised Land?
If our Exodus occurred today, we would never
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid the answer is still yes, but
know from matzah, not with today's micro-
it would be handled a little differently in a modern
waves. Here's how I see it: Moses gets a text from
age. Today Moses' fate would be determined by
Pharaoh that reads: "Mo, I'm lettin' your People
his participation in a reality show called"Survivor
go, like, right now! Moses replies: "Yeah, right,
Egypt," with God dragging Moses' destiny out over
P. LOL." Pharaoh: "Seriously, get out of town!"
several weeks for better ratings.
Moses: "OMG! We are so like out of here!"
And that concludes my version of what Passover
Moses informs the people, they throw some
would
look like if our Exodus out of Egypt would
Alan
instant dough in the microwave on high for three
have
been
delayed until present day. I wish you
Muskovitz
minutes, it rises beautifully; they pack a small
and
yours
a
peaceful Passover and ... sorry, pardon
Jewish News
wheelie carry-on, and off to the Red Sea they go!
the
interruption.
I'm getting a tweet. Wow, I don't
Columnist
Yes, the Red Sea. That part, you'll excuse the
believe it! I'm actually getting a tweet from Modern
expression, of our history, would remain intact
Day Moses. It reads: MosesOnThe Move @Moses ...
even today. The big difference is we wouldn't walk through
"Desert trip not so bad, nisht gefehrlach, it's a #dry heat:'
the parted sea; we would book a cruise. Only we would book
Oy, thank God! The man's been through enough. Happy
our people on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, and we would make
Passover.
sure the Egyptian Army chasing us would be on a Carnival
Cruise. Yep, as if getting swallowed up by the sea wasn't bad
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and
enough, our oppressors would be without food and working
emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and "Like" Al on
toilets!
Facebook.
❑
JN CONTENTS
theJEWISHNEWS.com
March 7-13, 2013 I 25 Adar-2 Nisan 5773 I Vol. CXLIII, No. 5
Ann Arbor
46
Around Town
26, 28
Arts/Entertainment
43
Calendar
30
Food
50
Israel . 5, 8,10-12, 36, 38, 65, 66
Jews in the Digital Age ..20
Letters
5
Life Cycles
54
Marketplace
56
Metro
8
Next Generation
38
Obituaries
Out & About
Points Of View
Soapbox
Spirituality
Sports
Staff Box/Phone List
Synagogue List
Torah Portion
62
45
36
37
40
53
6
42
41
Shabbat Lights
Shabbat: Friday, March 8, 6:13 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, March 9, 7:15 p.m.
Shabbat: Friday, March 15, 7:21 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, March 16, 8:23 p.m.
Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth
Yehudah calendar.
Columnist
Danny Raskin
52
On The Cover:
Page design, Michelle Sheridan
Our JN Mission
The Jewish News aspires to communicate news and opinion that's useful, engaging, enjoyable and unique. It strives to
reflect the full range of diverse viewpoints while also advocating positions that strengthen Jewish unity and continu-
ity. We desire to create and maintain a challenging, caring, enjoyable work environment that encourages creativity
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postage paid at Southfield, Michigan, and
additional mailing offices. Postmaster: send changes
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Mayor Bing
Names Award
For Alan E.
Schwartz
A
lan E. Schwartz, a found-
ing partner of the law
firm Honigman Miller
Schwartz and Cohn LLP, was hon-
ored by Mayor Dave Bing recently
as the first recipient of the "Alan E.
Schwartz Award." The award will
be given annually to an individual
who best demonstrates a com-
mitment to community service as
exemplified by the Detroit attorney
and civil leader.
"For more than
50 years, Alan
E. Schwartz has
demonstrated a
passion for jus-
tice and equal
opportunity," said
Bing. "He has
made a significant
Alan E.
investment in
Schwartz
young people and
worked tirelessly
to strengthen our city and region.
"I created the Alan E. Schwartz
Award to honor Alan's service, and
to inspire and recognize others
who choose to follow his outstand-
ing example," said the mayor.
Schwartz is a graduate of the
University of Michigan and
Harvard Law School. In 1952, he
joined Jason Honigman and Milton
Miller in founding his firm, one
of the largest business law firms
in Michigan. His career goals were
not just to make a better life for
his family, but also to contribute to
the community at large, hopefully,
making a better life for all.
Schwartz has served in a leader-
ship position in numerous non-
profit organizations, including
Business Leaders for Michigan,
Community Foundation for
Southeastern Michigan, Detroit
Institute of Arts, Detroit Medical
Center, Detroit Symphony
Orchestra and many more.
In 2012, Schwartz was honored
at New Detroit's 45th anniversary
celebration as a community leader
and longtime advocate for racial
equality in the region. Among his
awards are the George W. Romney
Award for Lifetime Achievement
in Volunteerism and the Lifetime
Achievement Award from the
Detroit Institute of Arts.
❑
JN
March 7 • 2013
3