frontlines

Unbelievable News Stories!

T

his week I delve into recent news stories that fall
cession got a burger,
into the "you-can't-make-this-stuff-up" category.
including the deceased,
First, medical news out of London, where a man
David Kime, 88, a WWII
who lost his nose to skin cancer is having a new one
Veteran, who had a
grown in his arm using stem cells. Explaining the proce-
hamburger placed on
dure is above my pay scale, but suffice it to say that when
his flag-draped coffin.
I see a story about body parts being grown on a person's
No word on whether the
arm, it gets my attention. On the one hand, or arm, if you
restaurant honored old
will, this is a testament to advances in modern medical.
Dave with a "21-ketch-
Manti Te'o and his fake
On the other hand, when you have a warped mind like
up-squire
girlfriend hoax
mine, your imagination can get the best of
Personally,
you; which explains why the name John Wayne
when my time
Bobbitt popped into my head as soon as I read
comes — many, many years from now — just tie
this story.
me to the top of the hearse, drive through a Jax Car
While arm-grown replacement noses will dra-
Wash (don't forget the underbody special), then
matically improve the quality of a patient's life,
take me to Zeman's Bakery for seven-layer cake.
I fret over the possibility that rogue plastic sur-
Finally, it's the "you-can't-make-this-stuff-up"
geons will abuse this medical breakthrough.
news story that captivated a nation: The fake girl-
It wouldn't surprise me if one day a certain "Dr.
friend hoax of Notre Dame football star Manti Teo.
Feelgood" marketed extra noses to healthy kids
Truth be told, having never had a date in college,
who've run out of places to pierce their bodies. Or
I empathize with Manti and feel moved to change
Alan
a quack ENT who runs unnecessary tests claim-
society's attitude toward make-believe relation-
Muskovitz
ing your arm-nose has sleep apnea. And you just
ships.
Jewish News
know there's a segment of narcissistic individuals
To that end, I would like to invite you to join
Columnist
who will insist on having an extra nose grown on
me and Manti Teo for the first ever "One Million
other parts of their bodies. I've got a bizarre word
Man Pretend Girlfriend March" on the Mall in
picture in my head right now and it's not pretty.
Washington, D.C., this Valentine's Day. Yes, I have a dream.
In a related story, a friend of mine is recovering from hand A dream that one day lonely men across this country will be
transplant surgery after a freak accident. He's doing well,
free to marry their pretend girlfriends, raise real and or fake
except for one side effect; turns out his donor was a compul-
children together, and be able to include their pretend part-
sive hitchhiker.
ner on their health insurance plan. Yes, it's time, my fellow
Our next "you-can't-make-this-stuff-up" story comes to us
Americans — with one caveat. That the pretend girlfriend or
out of York, Pa., where a family paid homage to their dearly
boyfriend my kids bring home be Jewish. ❑
departed's love for fast food by arranging for his funeral
procession to pass through a Burger King drive-thru. Yep,
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and
it's a "Whopper" of a tale, but it's true. Everyone in the pro-
emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com .

JN CONTENTS

theJEWISHNEWS.com

Feb. 7-13, 2013 I 27 Shevat-3 Adar 5773 I Vol. CXLIII, No. 1

Around Town
16
Arts/Entertainment
43
Calendar
22
Camp Guide
24
Food
48
Health
36
Here's To
23
Israel 5, 6, 38, 39, 66
Letters
5
Life Cycles
53
Marketplace
56
Metro
8

Next Generation
Obituaries
Out & About
Points Of View
Sports
Staff Box/Phone List
Synagogue List
Torah Portion

35
61
45
38
52
6
42
41

Shabbat: Friday, Feb. 8, 5:38 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Feb. 9, 6:41 p.m.

Shabbat: Friday, Feb.15, 5:47 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Feb.16, 6:50 p.m.

Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth
Yehudah calendar.

Columnist

Danny Raskin

Shabbat Lights

50

On The Cover:

Page design, Michelle Sheridan

Our JN Mission

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reflect the full range of diverse viewpoints while also advocating positions that strengthen Jewish unity and continu-
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Supreme Court
Rejects Eagle
School Lawsuit

Eagle School in West Bloomfield

T

he Michigan Supreme Court
refused to hear an appeal
by a West Bloomfield real
estate agent who sought to block the
Farmington School Board's sale of
Eagle School in West Bloomfield to the
Islamic Cultural Association (ICA).
The original lawsuit, filed in
Oakland County Circuit Court, sought
to block the sale, claiming that the
school board did not follow correct
procedures in the sale. Critics of the
sale alleged the board did not openly
advertise that the property was for
sale and took other measures to keep
knowledge of the transaction from the
public.
The lawsuit was brought by Melvin
Sternfeld, a real estate agent who said
he could have offered the property for
sale at a higher price if the board had
made it public, and Eugene Greenstein,
a citizen in the Farmington School
District upset with alleged irregulari-
ties in board procedure.
The Circuit Court dismissed the
case without a hearing on the merits
because, it said, the two plaintiffs did
not have standing to bring the case.
The Michigan Court of Appeals upheld
the decision, and Sternfeld asked that
the Supreme Court consider it.
Still pending is whether Michigan
Attorney General Bill Schuette will
convene a grand jury to investigate the
sale as requested by the Thomas More
Law Center of Ann Arbor. The center
claims the school district did not fol-
low state law and its own bylaws, and
alleges corruption in the district and
that the ICA is linked to terrorism.
While some have raised concerns
about the school district and the ICA,
others allege that animosity toward
Muslims is at the core of the opposition
to the sale.
Building plans were submitted to
the West Bloomfield Township Zoning
Board late last summer but were with-
drawn later in the year. ❑

February 7 • 2013

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