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F1 'eriii1.- Divorce

Despite the odds, this local blended family makes it work for their kids.

Ronelle Grier I Contributing Writer

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lasting emotional damage to the children
as well as the adults. The good news
is that some couples are discovering it
is possible to have a "friendly divorce,"
where ex-spouses and stepparents work
together to promote the best interests of
the children.
Here is one example of some local par-
ents who have overcome many challenges
to create a truly harmonious blended fam-
ily situation.
Friends and even extended family
members marvel at their ability to be
friendly and cooperative, but Darrell Marx
and Jill Sherman-Marx and their spouses,
Jill Mayers-Marx and Josh Charlip, take
the situation in stride.
"We decided early on that we wanted
to be an inclusive family, not an exclusive
one said Sherman-Marx. "Why should
either of us have to be without our chil-
dren on holidays; it would be a punish-
ment to everyone."
The two families have five children
between them: Darrell and Jill's twins,
Jade and Chase, 16, their son Landon, 14,
Jill Mayers-Marx's son, Isaac Mayers, 15,
and 21-month-old Emeri Sage Sherman
Charlip, the newest family member.
"When Emeri was born, Isaac [Mayers]
said she was my fifth child; he considers
himself my fourth:' said Sherman-Marx.
Isaac's step-siblings regard him as a
brother as well.
"I'm really close with Isaac; we tell each
other everything:' said Jade Marx. "When
people say he's really not my brother, I just
tell them he really is."
Jade, Chase and Landon spend time at
both parents' homes, which are less than
a mile apart, in accordance with a sched-
ule that can appear daunting to those not
accustomed to the back-and-forth dynam-
ics associated with joint-custody arrange-
ments.
Monday and Tuesday nights are
spent at the Farmington Hills home of
Sherman-Marx and Charlip; Wednesday
and Thursday nights are spent with
Darrell and his wife in their nearby West
Bloomfield house. Weekends are alter-
nated.
"That way, we each get five straight
days with the kids every other week:' said
Sherman-Marx, adding that both couples
are flexible when situations arise that con-
flict with the regular schedule.
Because his father lives out-of-state,

8 January 24 • 2013

Jh

OP

The Marx family at a recent Tigers game: Chase, Jade, Landon, Darrell, Jill Mayers-
Marx and Isaac Mayers.

"We decided early on that we wanted to be an
inclusive family, not an exclusive one."

— Jill Sherman-Marx

Isaac lives full time with his mother and
stepfather.
As an only child, it's a nice balance for
Isaac," said his mother, "and Darrell's kids
are very generous with their father. I'm
very grateful for that"
"We've both worked really hard not to
slander the other parent:' said Sherman-
Marx. "It's not perfect, but it's something
we try to maintain:'
Regarding disagreements about rules
or parenting styles, Sherman-Marx points
out that parents who are married do not
always agree on these issues.
"Sometimes things are done differently
in each home, but we try and respect
each other," she said, adding that if one
set of parents imposes a punishment, it
will be upheld in the other household as
well.
"My divorce was my choice, not my
children's," said Sherman-Marx, "so I've
always done what I can to make things
easier for them, even when that meant
driving back and forth three times
because they forgot things:'

The closeness of the blended fam-
ily extends to the grandparents, too.
Isaac calls Jill Sherman-Marx's parents,
Barbara and Sheldon Sherman, "Bubbie"
and "Grandpa:' Emeri refers to Darrell's
mother, Eleanor Marx, as "grandma,"
and his sister, Pam Migliore, is "Auntie
Pammie."
There is no discrimination between
families when it comes to Chanukah or
birthday gifts; the five children get equal
treatment from all of the parents, step-
parents and grandparents regardless of
biological ties.
This winter, in honor of their 50th
anniversary, the Shermans are taking the
entire blended family on a celebratory
cruise.
"It's really a pretty amazing situation,"
said Jill Mayers-Marx.
"When everything is focused on the
best interests of the kids, it's a much
smoother ride said Charlip, "and when
you truly love your partner, it's easier to
accept all the things that come with a
blended family"

Communication Is Key
Both couples agree that frequent commu-
nication is an important key to maintain-
ing their amicable relationship.
"If we have an issue with each other, or
with the kids, we talk about it right away:'
said Darrell Marx. "I may not like every-
thing that happens, but at least we com-
municate:'
Darrell's wife, Jill Mayers-Marx, said
that while some things can be handled
via email or phone, more serious issues
are better handled in a face-to-face "pow-
pow."
"We always manage to get to the other
side because we all really care about each
other," she said.
The couples have sought help from a
professional therapist, both individually
and together, for situations that are too
challenging to handle on their own.
"There's a lot of immediate letting go,
forgiving and forgetting:' said Charlip.
Professionals who work with divorced
families agree that a friendly divorce can
mitigate many problems the children
might otherwise experience. On the flip
side, constant fighting among divorced
parents and stepparents can cause lifelong
problems.
"It's important for people to really, truly
think through the issue of putting the
kids first, and to be nice said Dr. Steven
Fadoir, a Farmington Hills psychologist.
"Families should also spend a lot of time
communicating and dealing with issues
either within therapy or without therapy,
which is very difficult to do because peo-
ple are very emotional:'
While some parents feel threatened
when their ex-spouses remarry, Darrell
and Jill Sherman-Marx appreciate and
respect each other's new partners.
"Josh really cares about my kids:' said
Darrell. "I trust his opinions, and I trust
him, and I know it's mutual. And both Jills
get along amazingly. They call each other
for advice. It's amazing that we both found
people who care about our kids as much
as we do:'

Conflict Harms Kids
Recently retired Judge Edward Sosnick, who
served in the Oakland County Circuit Court
Family Division, has been a longtime advo-
cate of friendly divorces. Almost 23 years
ago, Sosnick and Bloomfield Hills family
law attorney Richard Victor co-founded
the SMILE (Start Making it Livable for
Everyone) program, which is still required